"Ask Not"

After much prayer and reflection, and with the counsel of my friends, family, and rabbi, I hereby announce my candidacy for the Republican nomination for President of the United States. Why not? Everybody else and George Bush's brother is running, so I figure I have at least as good a chance as half the field of already declared candidates- and I'm not under federal indictment. You can't say as much for Governors Chris Christie, Rick Perry, and Scott Walker. Both federal and state prosecutors continue to investigate Christie for his role in the "Bridgegate" scandal while rumors of an email trail that implicate the governor have surfaced. Rick Perry is potentially facing one hundred and nine years, for two counts of felony abuse of power, after attempting to coerce a district attorney to resign. So far, Perry's efforts to have the charges dismissed have been denied twice by Republican judges. Wisconsin prosecutors accuse Governor Walker of being part of a "wide-ranging scheme" of illegal fundraising. The same accusations have recently arisen over Governor Bush's coy, "I'm not yet a candidate" scam. After Bush declares, he can no longer personally ask for money- yet he's acting like a candidate who's using the asinine Citizens United decision to try and purchase the presidency. There's an obvious joke about the White House vs. the Big House in here somewhere.

I've avoided politics ever since high school student government associations, but last night, I had a dream in which the Archangel Gabriel whispered in my ear that it was my destiny to be president. Of course, Ted Cruz's traveling preacher dad said that God told him the same thing about his boy, so someone is confused here. In fact, several people are confused about the Almighty's participation in American politics. Cruz said, "God isn't done with America yet. That is why...I am running for president." But Rick Perry said, "I truly believe with all my heart that God has put me in this place at this time to do his will." Actually, Perry said that in 2012, so you'd think he'd get the hint. Dr. Ben Carson said that "I feel (the) fingers" of God prodding his candidacy. But Scott Walker said, "We (I) want to make sure that, not only are we (I) hearing from the people, but we (I) want to discern that this is God's calling." Marco Rubio attends a fundamentalist mega-church that demands employees sign a declaration stating that they've never been in a gay relationship- then, he goes to Catholic mass on Sundays. And this is to say nothing of religious zealots Rick Santorum and Mike Huckabee. Either a whole bunch of people are lying, insane, or else God is goofing on the Republican candidates. Say what you will about Hillary- she never declared the Deity's blessing to be upon her. I, however, have been blessed by the order of Christian Brothers, Reverend Tom Patton, Rabbi James Wax, a Hindu "saint" in India, and a Muslim cleric in Israel. Now, who's best qualified?

Since a handful of billionaires now own American politics, all you need to stay in the race is one. Casino magnate Sheldon Adelson is leaning toward Marco Rubio. Rick Santorum is backed for the second time by mutual-fund zillionaire Foster Friess. The Koch oil barons tipped their greasy hand to Scott Walker. And Woody Johnson, heir to the Johnson & Johnson company is backing Bush. This is more exciting than the Belmont Stakes. They often call politics a "horse race," but in this case, each candidate has their own jockey. Mere millionaires are whining for access, while former Philadelphia Eagles owner Norman Braman is planning to spend between ten and twenty-five million "Washingtons" on Marco Rubio alone. I'm certain that Hillary's war chest will overflow as well, but who have the Democrats got- communists like George Soros, or hedge-fund magnate Tom Steyer, whose tree-hugging causes fund radical-leftist politicians. If I can just convince one patriotic  billionaire that I hate Obamacare but love Israel, I could take this all the way to the GOP convention.
I could also raise a lot of untraceable money along the way, which begs the question: Why are so many guaranteed losers running for President? Why are George Pataki, Carly Fiorina, Lindsey Graham, John Kasich, and Donald Trump even running?

Trump is obviously a vanity candidate who does it for his ego and to promote "The Apprentice," the most wonderful show that's ever been on television. A few claim that they are in the race to promote certain views, like Rick Santorum's theory that America is under attack by Satan. The rest are auditioning for lucrative commentator chairs on Fox News- or perhaps their own radio show, or book deal. Some are jockeying for a future cabinet position in a fantasy Republican administration. But mostly, it's this endless funnel of dark money that bankrolls ideological figureheads for more sinister concerns. Since no one is accountable, who's counting? Now that the mob has been chased out of Las Vegas, politics is the new skim. If a dollar is missing here or there, who's to know? Which is why I am unveiling my own Ultra-Conservative, Pro-Gun, God-Fearing Super-PAC- the UCPGGF- and I am asking you for pledges of just a few dollars a day to support my campaign to stop immigration, restore God to the classroom, end taxes, and return this great nation to its rightful owners- the Inuit.

Overton Square Lives

This week's forty-fifth anniversary celebration of Overton Square brings back a flood of memories which, in itself, is an accomplishment. TGIFriday's was a year old when I showed up, so if my math is correct, I was twenty-three when I began singing in the Square. I'd just moved back to town after a six year absence when I got the call. A new club had opened across the street from Friday's where Bosco's now stands, called The Looking Glass. In contrast to the frenzy at Friday's, this was more of a businessman's club with the long wooden bar leading into a plush lounge area. They wanted live music but not a whole lot of noise, so I got the solo job, playing nightly Wednesday through Saturday. The sitting room was constructed to look like a library with overstuffed couches and bookshelves filled with someone's castoff antiquities. There was a platform in the corner with a high bar stool on top. Every time I took the stage, it was like climbing an obstacle course to reach my perch, but from there I could watch the whole crazy scene of Memphians celebrating the passage of an ordinance allowing liquor by the drink. The Southern Baptists had kept Memphis a cocktail free town for fifty years, and now the city was ready to party.

As for personal exposure, a student from Ole Miss named Holmes Pettey came in one night, and the next thing I knew, I was opening for the Allman Brothers in Oxford. When Lafayette's Music Room opened in August of 1972,  I became the Square's unofficial go-to guy for a warm-up act. Friday's manager and former Box Tops drummer, Thomas Boggs, moved me across the street where, instead of playing four sets a night, I became the opening act for some of the major artists of the day. Lafayette's wasn't just a rock club. They booked jazz musicians like Herbie Hancock, Buddy Rich and Chick Corea, or you could drop by the next week and catch Waylon Jennings or Earl Scruggs. Billy Joel was touring behind his first album, "Piano Man," when he played Lafayette's. I strummed pleasantly for the packed house, but Billy Joel blew them away. Between shows, I went to the dressing room and after introducing myself, I told Billy that I really believed he was going to make it. He smiled and told me he appreciated it. Hey, you've heard of the "butterfly effect." Who's to say my few words of encouragement didn't make all the difference? When I was finishing up my set before Barry Manilow made his Memphis debut, I told the audience that they would love this guy with the piano that lights up like a Christmas tree, which sent Manilow's manager into a rage, chasing after Thomas Boggs, screaming that I had ruined Barry's schtick. Then there was the night Kiss performed.

By this time, the jam-packed Square had created a burgeoning local music scene that went for three blocks in either direction. At one point, there were at least a dozen clubs within walking distance featuring home-town pickers. Thirteen, if you count Yosemite Sam's. No one had even heard of Kiss when the hype preceded the band to the Square. Lafayette's was filled with curiosity seekers when Kiss shook the stage. I stood in the back with the boys and when Kiss cranked up, and it was like being cuffed across the ear. The band wasn't halfway through their grotesque routine when the audience started jamming the exits. Kiss cleared out Lafayette's in thirty minutes- wanna know why? There were ten local bands on the street with better musicians than Kiss, and they didn't need stage make-up to get the message across. Kiss made no waves here and were considered to be a short-lived novelty act, reeking of desperation. Of course, they're in the Rock and Roll Hall of Fame while I'm here forty years later still reminiscing about the gig. Kansas was another band too loud for the room. They hadn't even gotten to "Dust In The Wind" before the decibel level sent customers running into the night with bleeding ears. On the other hand, Minnie Ripperton was heavenly and Leon Russell was cool. Henry Gross became a Memphis favorite after his Lafayette's appearance and returns to the same room this weekend for a long anticipated encore.

When Boggs asked me to put a band together for a slow Tuesday night, I called some guys and we started a weekly jam that drew in some of the city's best players. One night, I looked around and four of the six musicians onstage were in the teen sensations, Randy and the Radiants- only now we were old enough to drink. The band reformed on the condition that we drop the "Randy" from the name. The Radiants became one of Lafayette's rotating house bands, playing for a month at a time, and the place was jammed every night. Some of the waiters would periodically line the foot of the stage with vodka tonics, which the legendary Andrew Love referred to as "show-biz medicine." The room was jumping when Rufus Thomas walked in. None of us had met Rufus yet, but we were booked to back him up at a charity show later that month. I was delighted to invite Rufus up to the stage while the audience roared its approval. Mr. Thomas called the key and the tempo and the band broke into a ten minute uproarious blues jam with Rufus pulling out every risque verse he knew. The audience went nuts and screamed so loudly it was hard to hear Rufus when he walked back to me and said tersely into my ear, "Never invite me up again without asking my permission first." It was as heartbreaking to see Lafayette's Music Room close as it is heartwarming to see it reopen- so get out there and start making some new memories. This week's gathering of original Overton Square performers is our chance to pass the torch. And guess who's opening?

GOP Guide

The GOP could open a haberdashery with all the  hats thrown into the ring for the 2016 presidential nomination. It looks pretty much the same as the last go-round, minus Mitt Romney and Ron Paul, but plus Rand Paul and Jeb Bush. The list is still in flux, but these are the folks who are most likely to entertain us all summer with their traveling vaudeville debate theater. The reviews for the last troup were boffo. They brought down the house in every city. So what if that house was in foreclosure? Since there are so many candidates with such wonderful things to say, I thought a guide to the Republican presidential candidates might be useful for the still confused. That is, if Obama doesn't rip up the Constitution, declare martial law, and run for a third term. So without further delay, the prospective contenders for the office of president are:

Ted Cruz- Texas Senator and morality crusader
Philosophy- Whatever Joe McCarthy said.
Famous Quote- "I intend to speak in support of defunding Obamacare until I am no longer able to stand." Spoken before an empty chamber recitation of Green Eggs and Ham.

Rand Paul- Senator from Kentucky
Philosophy- Neo-Libertarian. "I read all of Ayn Rand's novels when I was seventeen."
Famous Quote- "A free society will abide unofficial, private discrimination even when that means allowing hate-filled groups to exclude people based on the color of their skin."

Ben Carson- Neurosurgeon and Narcissist.
Philosophy- I'm the Bizarro Obama.
Famous Quote- "Obamacare is the worst thing that has happened in this nation since slavery."

Jeb Bush-  Former Florida Governor
Philosophy- Please don't blame me for my idiot brother torching the globe.
Famous Quote- "Immigrants are more fertile, and they love families."

Rick Perry- Texas Governor
Philosophy- I got glasses this time to make me look smarter.
Famous Quote- "Oops."

Chris Christie- New Jersey Governor and bridge builder
Philosophy- Sit down and shut up.
Famous Quote- "Sit down and shut up."

Scott Walker- Wisconsin Governor and union buster
Philosophy- Whatever the Koch brothers tell me.
Famous Quote- "Let 'em protest all they want. Sooner or later the media stops finding it interesting."

Marco Rubio- Florida Senator and pitchman for Aquafina.
Philosophy- I'm really running for vice-president.
Famous Quote- "I do not believe that human activity is causing these dramatic changes to our climate the way these scientists are portraying it."

Carly Fiorina- Former CEO of Hewlett-Packard
Philosophy- Just because I drove HP into the ground doesn't mean I can't be president.
Famous Quote- "If Hillary had to face me on the debate stage, at the very least she would have a hitch in her swing." I don't know what it means either.

Mike Huckabee- Former Arkansas Governor and future pitchman for reverse-loan mortgages.
Philosophy- Have you accepted Jesus Christ as your personal savior?
Famous Quote- "Democrats want to insult the women of America by making them believe that they are helpless without Uncle Sugar coming in and providing for them a prescription."

I suppose you could call the rest fringe candidates since their views are so radical. Louisiana Governor Bobby Jindal said that the GOP "must stop being the stupid party." Anti-sex advocate Rick Santorum said, "Contraception is not OK. It's a license to do things in a sexual realm that is counter to how things are supposed to be." These are all worthy topics for future hilarious debates, but for the most eloquent statement of qualifications, you have to give it up to grifter and perennial candidate Donald Trump who said, "The only difference between me and the other candidates is that I'm more honest and my women are more beautiful." In this tabloid culture, what more could you want in a president?

It's Fundamental

Indulge me for a moment and consider this scenario. There's a community of Ultra-Orthodox Jews headquartered in Crown Heights, Brooklyn called the Chabad Lubavitch. It's a Hassidic sect that believes in strict adherence to the Torah, (the first five books of Moses), and the Talmud, (5000 years of rabbinical commentary on the Torah). Their outreach efforts to reach disaffiliated and non-practicing Jews have made it one of the largest and fastest growing religious organizations in the world, reaching seventy countries and forty-nine of the fifty United States. There's even a chapter in Memphis. Now imagine if the Hasidim and their return-to-roots philosophy picked up enough momentum to translate into political power and their leaders were elected into positions of authority. Then suppose they used that authority to declare the Torah as the "official book" of as many states as they could round up. Nothing wrong with that, right? Christians also believe in the Old Testament, so they would have no objection to following its tenets. But if we're going to do it, let's do it right and strictly observe the written law.

Jewish dietary rules come with a few restrictions. First, Kosher food must be prepared in accordance with Jewish law. Animals and birds have to be killed in a specific manner, so no more hunting unless accompanied by a Jewish butcher. All blood must be drained from meat and poultry, so if you like your steak medium rare, you'll have to cross state lines. Also, no grape products prepared by non-Jews may be eaten, so say goodbye to all non-kosher wine, Welch's grape juice, and Boone's Farm Grape Jelly. The Torah says it's forbidden to "boil a kid in its mother's milk," (Ex 23:19). Generations of rabbis have interpreted this passage as meaning that meat and dairy products should not be mixed, which means no more cheeseburgers or burritos. Then there are the animals the Torah mentions specifically as forbidden for supper. No pig means no more Bar-B-Que, so there goes our festival. Other no-no's include all shellfish, including lobster, oysters, shrimp, clams, and crabs- not to mention crawdads. But Leviticus 11:13 says its OK to "eat any animal that has cloven hooves and chews its cud," so that's a good thing. And the Jewish sabbath is from sundown Friday until sundown Saturday, so that's it for high school and college football. I'm sure you see where I'm going with this. Just as preposterous as it would be to impose Jewish laws, why do the right-wing Christians continue to attempt to codify their beliefs into state and federal law?

Tennessee made the wrong kind of national news when the State House of Representatives overwhelmingly passed a bill making the Bible the state's "official book." The bill's sponsor, Rep. Jerry Sexton, is a former pastor from Bean Station, again proving the antipathy these country-ass rubes have for the big city. Fortunately, the State Senate saw the blatant unconstitutionality of the proposal and killed the bill. Rep. Steve Cohen said on MSNBC that "It's been a hundred years since the Scopes monkey trial and we have not progressed that far from Dayton, Tennessee." Perhaps Preacher Sexton envisions himself as William Jennings Bryan incarnate, but similar bills have been introduced in Arkansas, and Indiana, which has problems of its own. Their governor signed the Religious Freedom Restoration Act into law. Even the title implies that if religious freedom needs to be restored, it must have vanished somewhere. The original RFRA was a 1993 Democratic initiative to "ensure that interests in religious freedom are protected," in all faiths. Now, however, the act is interpreted as payback for same-sex marriage and open season on gays whose existence offends the Christian beliefs of any auto mechanic or pizza joint owner. Didn't we settle all that, "We reserve the right to refuse service to anyone," business in the sixties?

The tomato is Tennessee's state fruit. The state mineral is agate, and the racoon has been designated as the official wild animal. But now that the Bible has been disqualified as the official state book, I have a few suggestions that may suit our faith-based legislators' mentalities. The obvious choice is "A Confederacy of Dunces," but there are so many other possibilities: "Of Mice and Men," Dostoevsky's "The Idiot," "The Sound and the Fury," "One Flew Over the Cuckoos' Nest," and of course "Fifty Shades of Grey Goose Vodka," which the House Republicans must have imbibed before passing this idiotic bill. I just don't understand why the evangelical Christians are so persecuted in this country. A minister in Tempe, Arizona recently preached, "I hope that God strikes Obama with brain cancer so he can die like Ted Kennedy," thus proving that the problem isn't Christianity or any other religion- it's fundamentalism. We could argue about this but what's the point? Former presidential candidate Michele Bachmann recently predicted the return of Jesus due to Obama. "We have very little time left before the second return of Christ," she proclaimed. If Jesus comes to Tennessee, I bet He'll be upset to see the Holy Scriptures placed in the same category as "The Valley of the Dolls."