Monday, November 24, 2014


Our borders are so porous that they have become nearly impossible to police. Thousands of aliens sneak into this country every day and head for border towns where they can blend in with people of similar color who speak a similar language, making it undetectable who is and who is not a documented citizen. The border is so long that no fence short of the Wall of China could even begin to stop the migrating hordes that seek sanctuary in the USA at any cost. They have infiltrated every major city and many illegals have had children here so that they can automatically become American citizens. These are the "anchor babies" you've heard so much about. There are so many aliens already here that you could never round up and deport them all. And the good jobs that they take away from able-bodied Americans is scandalous. They have begun to dominate entire businesses and have affected  popular culture so that our children are exposed. The lure of cheap drugs has caused Americans in border towns to flock to pharmacies just miles away, only to smuggle them back into this country. They talk different. Their food is different. Their national sports are different. Let's face it, these people are different than we are. I strongly believe, and many other like-minded patriots agree, that it's about damn time that we crack down on this endless stampede of Canadians invading our land.

They come across in border towns like Detroit, Buffalo, and Rochester, but those who really want to enter undetected use the wide swaths of land that are too remote to patrol. They enter in places like Duluth, Minnesota and Grand Forks, North Dakota, and I understand that the further west you go, the more hard-core the trafficking is in illegal drugs, particularly marijuana. Demand has fallen totally off in Washington State, but I've heard of Canucks with calves the size of saskatoons from smuggling backpacks full of dangerously potent cannabis from Vancouver across the border. The Canadians call it "B.C. Bud," or at least that's what I was told. And not only are their legal drugs cheaper, I get at least fifteen emails per week enticing me to buy them. You can even order them through the mail, flaunting the law, and what is this Vicodin they keep wanting me to take? Canadians don't care about our laws. They were all bootleggers during prohibition and some of the most prominent families made their fortunes supplying illegal hooch to Al Capone. Every time our country enters into one of our periodic righteous wars with somebody we don't like, it's always Canada that openly welcomes our cowardly draft-dodgers into their midst, especially during that pesky Vietnam business.

Over the past forty years, there has been a stealth campaign among Canadians to infiltrate and take over the entertainment industry, beginning with the immigrant Lorne Michaels from Toronto. In the mid-seventies, he invented a subversive television program called Saturday Night Live, and ever since, he's relied on Canadians to spread his irreverent message- people like Dan Aykroyd, Martin Short, Norm McDonnell, and Mike Meyers. This opened the floodgates for Canadian comedy with imported shows like SCTV, featuring perverted comics like John Candy, Rick Moranis, Catherine O'Hara, and Eugene Levy. Following their Migrant Trail came Jim Carrey, Howie Mandel, and Tommy Chong who began to take over the movies. If our government had been vigilant enough to keep these freeloaders out, we would never have had to suffer through "Honey, I Shrunk the Kids," "Wayne's World," or "Ace Ventura: Pet Detective." Canadians spend half their lives listening to Gordon Lightfoot, and the other half watching hockey. They drink beers called Moosehead and Labatt and live on a diet of bacon and maple syrup, which they pour over everything. They refuse to speak American. Instead of "out and about," they say, "Oot and aboot." They swear allegiance to the British crown, and even have a state that wants to secede where they force everyone to speak French.

And now they want this XL Keystone pipeline to transport Canadian oil across our great country into the Gulf of Mexico so they can sell it to the Russians and Chinese. Of course, there's absolutely no danger of an oil spill in the Gulf- right? It's past time to round up all your Avril Lavignes, your Ryan Goslings, and your Anna Paquins and begin arranging their transport home. It's shocking how deeply they have burrowed into our society. William Shatner is a Canadian. I mean, Captain Kirk is an alien, for God's sake. Peter Jennings, the man who brought me my evening news all those years, was a Canuck. Even the hip-hop artist Drake comes from the mean streets of Toronto. We refer to Mexicans as "illegal aliens," but Canadians are always, "our friends up north." I think it's time to get these toque wearing, cheese-eating, Celine Dion listening, ice skaters back into their own wretched country. Especially this Seth Rogan fellow, whose "nerd gets the girl" movies have caused young men to resort to gun violence. It's time this invasion came to an end and relocations are in order. I only have one request. When the government starts deporting Canadians, please deport Justin Bieber first, eh?

Monday, November 10, 2014

No You Can't

Well, I guess they showed us. All us naive sheep and moochers with all those pipe dreams about hope and change failed to anticipate the coming tsunami. I haven't seen a red wave that gigantic since the last time the Crimson Tide went undefeated. Last week's mid-term elections were fueled by resentment and anger directed toward the president, so it seems that new Senate Majority Leader Mitch McConnell's simple but seditious strategy worked- say no to every initiative, block every bill, refuse any compromise, and filibuster the Obama presidency into paralysis. Then, when the Congress is in a total logjam where nothing can  move, blame the president for being a divisive leader. The endgame was to destroy Obama, by any means necessary. With the aid of Fox News and right-wing vitriolic radio, the GOP stoked rage and hatred against our foreign born, Socialist president and whipped elderly white men into such a frothing frenzy, they had no choice but to come out in angry numbers in order to put our first black president in his place. That's who voted, you know- angry, old people. I hate stats too, but them's the facts.

The funny thing is, leading up to the election, every time I saw Obama address a large gathering, the crowd always went wild with excitement. That excitement was the very thing the president's party lacked. So rather than rail against a poorly informed populace, a flood of untraceable "dark" money, or the lowest voter turnout in any election since Pearl Harbor, I would instead like to address the milquetoast, paranoid, spineless, unprincipled, gutless cowards who inhabit the Democratic Party ranks these days. They took a poll, then ran from Obama like he had Ebola. As a result, the enthusiastic young people that attended the president's rallies did not vote. Why should they? No Democratic candidate celebrated the president's successes except Rep. Steve Cohen, and he could have remained silent if he so chose. There is no clearer example of this Obama denial than in the race of  Kentucky senatorial candidate Alison Lundergan Grimes. She might have mentioned that those 413,000 Kentuckians that are now enjoying the bluegrass state's new "kynect" health insurance program are actually receiving the benefits of Obamacare under a different name. When asked if she voted for the president, the answer should have been simple- "Of course I did. I'm a Democrat and Barack Obama is my party's standard bearer." Instead, the gun toting, coal loving, blue-dog acted like she never heard the name Obama and insisted that she was strictly a "Clinton Democrat." When pressed on the issue, she proclaimed that her vote was a private matter and refused to answer the question. Next time they revise Wikipedia, right next to the word "mealymouth," there should be a picture of Alison Lundergan Grimes.

When was the last time you heard someone say they were a "proud liberal," or that they "stood by progressive values?" Maybe Lyndon Johnson? Or George McGovern? Democrats have allowed the term "liberal" to be defined by the opposition and ever since Bubba Clinton's election, they're all "new Democrats," meaning conservative-lite. Personally, I preferred the old Democrats- the ones like FDR, who fought hard for progress against Republican intransigence. Now, they all just want to keep their jobs and not ruffle any constituent feathers, and they will abandon the man who brought their party back to prominence as soon as his approval rating drops below fifty percent.  It's not like they didn't have anything to talk about- three million new jobs in the last six years, Obamacare succeeding everywhere it's been implemented, the stock market setting new records every month. Instead, they ran as the party of please. "Please don't blame us for our candy-ass leadership. Please don't hurt us for not exercising power when we had it. Please don't think that we're with the black guy. We'll just be over here- under our desks- if that's OK with you." The Democrats were richly deserving of an ass-whooping and they will soon shed their cloak of power with a whimper.

And on behalf of the real men in Tennessee who consider themselves feminists, I'd like to apologize to all the women whose reproductive rights will now be determined by a congressman from Crossville named Cooter. I spent six years in East Tennessee- four as a student and two as a rock star- and I witnessed the general area's antipathy toward knowledge. That's where the bulk of votes in favor of abortion restrictions came from. It's a battle of country against city. That's why country music is so popular up there- it's a celebration of poverty and ignorance. Abortion on the ballot is like Mountain Dew to a meth head, and you can bet that every gap-toothed, overall wearing, fundamentalist, country-ass rube marched to the polls with religious fervor. So what if the amendment is unconstitutional. Republicans rule the roost. So expect more of the same. As a nation, we voted for more tax breaks for corporations and the obscenely wealthy, cuts in welfare assistance and food stamps, fuel-injected attempts to overturn Obamacare, protectionism for the democracy-killing "Citizens United" decision, and further denial of climate change. I guess Abe Lincoln was wrong- you can fool all of the people all of the time. Meet the new boss, same as the old boss.