Our borders are so porous that they have become nearly impossible to police. Thousands of aliens sneak into this country every day and head for border towns where they can blend in with people of similar color who speak a similar language, making it undetectable who is and who is not a documented citizen. The border is so long that no fence short of the Wall of China could even begin to stop the migrating hordes that seek sanctuary in the USA at any cost. They have infiltrated every major city and many illegals have had children here so that they can automatically become American citizens. These are the "anchor babies" you've heard so much about. There are so many aliens already here that you could never round up and deport them all. And the good jobs that they take away from able-bodied Americans is scandalous. They have begun to dominate entire businesses and have affected popular culture so that our children are exposed. The lure of cheap drugs has caused Americans in border towns to flock to pharmacies just miles away, only to smuggle them back into this country. They talk different. Their food is different. Their national sports are different. Let's face it, these people are different than we are. I strongly believe, and many other like-minded patriots agree, that it's about damn time that we crack down on this endless stampede of Canadians invading our land.
They come across in border towns like Detroit, Buffalo, and Rochester, but those who really want to enter undetected use the wide swaths of land that are too remote to patrol. They enter in places like Duluth, Minnesota and Grand Forks, North Dakota, and I understand that the further west you go, the more hard-core the trafficking is in illegal drugs, particularly marijuana. Demand has fallen totally off in Washington State, but I've heard of Canucks with calves the size of saskatoons from smuggling backpacks full of dangerously potent cannabis from Vancouver across the border. The Canadians call it "B.C. Bud," or at least that's what I was told. And not only are their legal drugs cheaper, I get at least fifteen emails per week enticing me to buy them. You can even order them through the mail, flaunting the law, and what is this Vicodin they keep wanting me to take? Canadians don't care about our laws. They were all bootleggers during prohibition and some of the most prominent families made their fortunes supplying illegal hooch to Al Capone. Every time our country enters into one of our periodic righteous wars with somebody we don't like, it's always Canada that openly welcomes our cowardly draft-dodgers into their midst, especially during that pesky Vietnam business.
Over the past forty years, there has been a stealth campaign among Canadians to infiltrate and take over the entertainment industry, beginning with the immigrant Lorne Michaels from Toronto. In the mid-seventies, he invented a subversive television program called Saturday Night Live, and ever since, he's relied on Canadians to spread his irreverent message- people like Dan Aykroyd, Martin Short, Norm McDonnell, and Mike Meyers. This opened the floodgates for Canadian comedy with imported shows like SCTV, featuring perverted comics like John Candy, Rick Moranis, Catherine O'Hara, and Eugene Levy. Following their Migrant Trail came Jim Carrey, Howie Mandel, and Tommy Chong who began to take over the movies. If our government had been vigilant enough to keep these freeloaders out, we would never have had to suffer through "Honey, I Shrunk the Kids," "Wayne's World," or "Ace Ventura: Pet Detective." Canadians spend half their lives listening to Gordon Lightfoot, and the other half watching hockey. They drink beers called Moosehead and Labatt and live on a diet of bacon and maple syrup, which they pour over everything. They refuse to speak American. Instead of "out and about," they say, "Oot and aboot." They swear allegiance to the British crown, and even have a state that wants to secede where they force everyone to speak French.
And now they want this XL Keystone pipeline to transport Canadian oil across our great country into the Gulf of Mexico so they can sell it to the Russians and Chinese. Of course, there's absolutely no danger of an oil spill in the Gulf- right? It's past time to round up all your Avril Lavignes, your Ryan Goslings, and your Anna Paquins and begin arranging their transport home. It's shocking how deeply they have burrowed into our society. William Shatner is a Canadian. I mean, Captain Kirk is an alien, for God's sake. Peter Jennings, the man who brought me my evening news all those years, was a Canuck. Even the hip-hop artist Drake comes from the mean streets of Toronto. We refer to Mexicans as "illegal aliens," but Canadians are always, "our friends up north." I think it's time to get these toque wearing, cheese-eating, Celine Dion listening, ice skaters back into their own wretched country. Especially this Seth Rogan fellow, whose "nerd gets the girl" movies have caused young men to resort to gun violence. It's time this invasion came to an end and relocations are in order. I only have one request. When the government starts deporting Canadians, please deport Justin Bieber first, eh?
Why do Canadians "do it" doggie style?
ReplyDeleteSo they both can watch the hockey game.
Thank you. I'll be here all week. Tip your waitress!
Jazz Dad
lol. Watch the movie "Canadian Bacon" for a laugh about this.
ReplyDeleteHey, Sput. Peter Jennings left the planet nine years ago, so that REALLY makes him an alien! Cheers! :D
ReplyDeleteThat was soooooooooo gooooooooood! One of your all time best! Padre
ReplyDeleteOops! Thanks for catching that Peter Jennings reference before the Flyer got hold of it.
ReplyDelete"Our solid American citizen awakens in a bed built on a pattern which originated in the Near East but which was modified in Northern Europe before it was transmitted to America. He throws back covers made from cotton, domesticated in India, or linen, domesticated in the Near East, or wool from sheep, also domesticated in the Near East. He slips into his moccasins, invented by the Indians of the Eastern woodlands, and goes to the bathroom, whose fixtures are a mixture of European and American inventions, both of recent date. He takes off his pajamas, a garment invented in India, and washes with soap invented by the ancient Gauls. He then shaves, a masochistic rite which seems to have been derived from either Sumer or ancient Egypt.
ReplyDeleteReturning to the bedroom, he removes his clothes from a chair of southern European type and proceeds to dress. He puts on garments whose form originally derived from the skin clothing of the nomads of the Asiatic steppes, puts on shoes made from skins tanned by a process invented in ancient Egypt and cut to a pattern derived from the classical civilizations of the Mediterranean, and ties around his neck a strip of bright-colored cloth which is a vestigial survival of the shoulder shawls worn by the seventeenth century Croatians. Before going out for breakfast he glances through the window, made of glass invented_in Egypt, and if it is raining puts on overshoes made of rubber discovered by the Central American Indians and takes an umbrella, invented in southeastern Asia. Upon his head he puts a hat made of felt, a material invented in the Asiatic steppes.
On his way to breakfast he stops to buy a paper, paying for it with coins, an ancient Lydian invention. At the restaurant a whole new series of borrowed elements confronts him. His plate is made of a form of pottery invented in China. His knife is of steel, an alloy first made in southern India , his fork a medieval Italian invention, and his spoon a derivative of a Roman original. He begins with an orange, from the eastern Mediterrianean, a canteloupe from Persia, or perhaps a piece of African watermelon.With this he has coffee, an Abyssinian plant, with cream and sugar. Both the domestication of cows and the idea of milking them originated in the Near East, while sugar was first made in India. After his fruit and first coffee he goes on to waffles, cakes made by a Sandinavian technique from wheat domesticated in Asia Minor. Over these he pours maple syrup, invented by the Indians of Eastern woodlands. As a side dish he may have the egg of a species of bird domesticated in Indo-China, or thin strips of the flesh of an animal domesticated in Eastern Asia which have been salted and smoked by a process developed in Northern Europe.
When our friend has finished eating, he settles back to smoke, an American Indian habit, consuming a plant domesticated in Brazil in either a pipe, derived from the Indians of Virginia, or a cigarette, derived from Mexico. If he is hardy enough he may even attempt a cigar, transmitted to us from the Antilles by way of Spain. While smoking he reads the news of the day, imprinted in characters invented by the Semites upon a material invented in China by a process invented in Germany. As he absorbs the account of foreign troubles he will, if he is a good conservative citizen, thank a Hebrew deity in a Indo-European language that he is 100 percent American."
Ralphie dear.....African watermelon? Don't make me poke you with this redneck baseball bat. In His Steps! Sireen
ReplyDeleteWhy, yes, Sireen, my dear.
DeleteWatermelon (Citrullus lanatus var. lanatus, family Cucurbitaceae) is a vine-like (scrambler and trailer) flowering plant originally from southern Africa, where it is found growing wild.In the 19th century, Alphonse de Candolle (look him up) considered the watermelon to be indigenous to tropical Africa. Citrullus colocynthis is often considered to be a wild ancestor of the watermelon and is now found native in north and west Africa. However, it has been suggested on the basis of chloroplast DNA investigations, that the cultivated and wild watermelon diverged independently from a common ancestor, possibly C. ecirrhosus from Namibia.
Evidence of its cultivation in the Nile Valley has been found from the second millennium BC onward. Watermelon seeds have been found at Twelfth Dynasty sites and in the tomb of Pharaoh Tutankhamun.Watermelon is also mentioned in the Bible as a food eaten by the ancient Israelites while they were in bondage in Egypt.
Regretably, my bag of wind is almost exhausted by the above. I also have many cheerful facts to report about the baseball bat, but those can wait for another time. Cheerio! :D