I've avoided politics ever since high school student government associations, but last night, I had a dream in which the Archangel Gabriel whispered in my ear that it was my destiny to be president. Of course, Ted Cruz's traveling preacher dad said that God told him the same thing about his boy, so someone is confused here. In fact, several people are confused about the Almighty's participation in American politics. Cruz said, "God isn't done with America yet. That is why...I am running for president." But Rick Perry said, "I truly believe with all my heart that God has put me in this place at this time to do his will." Actually, Perry said that in 2012, so you'd think he'd get the hint. Dr. Ben Carson said that "I feel (the) fingers" of God prodding his candidacy. But Scott Walker said, "We (I) want to make sure that, not only are we (I) hearing from the people, but we (I) want to discern that this is God's calling." Marco Rubio attends a fundamentalist mega-church that demands employees sign a declaration stating that they've never been in a gay relationship- then, he goes to Catholic mass on Sundays. And this is to say nothing of religious zealots Rick Santorum and Mike Huckabee. Either a whole bunch of people are lying, insane, or else God is goofing on the Republican candidates. Say what you will about Hillary- she never declared the Deity's blessing to be upon her. I, however, have been blessed by the order of Christian Brothers, Reverend Tom Patton, Rabbi James Wax, a Hindu "saint" in India, and a Muslim cleric in Israel. Now, who's best qualified?
Since a handful of billionaires now own American politics, all you need to stay in the race is one. Casino magnate Sheldon Adelson is leaning toward Marco Rubio. Rick Santorum is backed for the second time by mutual-fund zillionaire Foster Friess. The Koch oil barons tipped their greasy hand to Scott Walker. And Woody Johnson, heir to the Johnson & Johnson company is backing Bush. This is more exciting than the Belmont Stakes. They often call politics a "horse race," but in this case, each candidate has their own jockey. Mere millionaires are whining for access, while former Philadelphia Eagles owner Norman Braman is planning to spend between ten and twenty-five million "Washingtons" on Marco Rubio alone. I'm certain that Hillary's war chest will overflow as well, but who have the Democrats got- communists like George Soros, or hedge-fund magnate Tom Steyer, whose tree-hugging causes fund radical-leftist politicians. If I can just convince one patriotic billionaire that I hate Obamacare but love Israel, I could take this all the way to the GOP convention.
I could also raise a lot of untraceable money along the way, which begs the question: Why are so many guaranteed losers running for President? Why are George Pataki, Carly Fiorina, Lindsey Graham, John Kasich, and Donald Trump even running?
Trump is obviously a vanity candidate who does it for his ego and to promote "The Apprentice," the most wonderful show that's ever been on television. A few claim that they are in the race to promote certain views, like Rick Santorum's theory that America is under attack by Satan. The rest are auditioning for lucrative commentator chairs on Fox News- or perhaps their own radio show, or book deal. Some are jockeying for a future cabinet position in a fantasy Republican administration. But mostly, it's this endless funnel of dark money that bankrolls ideological figureheads for more sinister concerns. Since no one is accountable, who's counting? Now that the mob has been chased out of Las Vegas, politics is the new skim. If a dollar is missing here or there, who's to know? Which is why I am unveiling my own Ultra-Conservative, Pro-Gun, God-Fearing Super-PAC- the UCPGGF- and I am asking you for pledges of just a few dollars a day to support my campaign to stop immigration, restore God to the classroom, end taxes, and return this great nation to its rightful owners- the Inuit.