Let's forget about the Giant Orange Menace for a moment, if that's at all possible, and check out how "The Best People" are doing. You remember, Donnie promised to staff his cabinet with only the best. Space doesn't permit an examination of all the abominations that have traversed this fetid swamp of greed and incompetence, so we'll have to narrow our commentary to a select few. That means there will be no remarks about "The Mooch," Kellyanne, or the official administration liar, Sarah, "The Grouch" Huckabee. If every scoundrel were examined, I'd miss my deadline by a week. So let's just stick with the Cabinet, starting with:
Agriculture: Former Veterinarian, George "Sonny" Perdue was a Democrat until 1998 before switching parties and becoming the first Republican Governor of Georgia since Reconstruction. Before his tenure ended, Perdue wracked up thirteen complaints filed with the State Ethics Commission, including accepting twenty-five thousand dollars worth of gifts, like tickets to NASCAR. In 2004, Perdue sued the Environmental Protection Agency saying, "Liberals have lost all credibility when it comes to climate science because their arguments have become.. so obviously disconnected from reality." In November 2007, while Georgia was suffering through the worst drought in decades, Perdue led a large crowd in prayer on the steps of the state Capitol saying, "We've come here for one reason and one reason only, to very reverently and respectfully pray up a storm." It didn't work. After severely cutting funds for Food and Safety Regulations, Georgia suffered one of the century's deadliest outbreaks of food-borne illness. Perdue is now in charge of the nation's food safety.
Commerce: After being tapped as Commerce Secretary, Wilbur Ross maintained partial ownership in Chinese state-owned businesses, a shipping company tied to Russian oligarchs, a bank in Cypress, and an auto parts industry. Ross was accused of swindling his business associates out of one-hundred twenty million dollars. Before divesting his holdings to a family trust, Ross shorted stock in the Russian-linked shipping company, Navigator Holdings, making a small fortune before the price of shares plummeted. He was fined 2.3 million dollars by the Security and Exchange Commission.
Education: Perhaps the most despised member of the Trump Cabinet, Betsy DeVoss used her billion dollar fortune from the AmWay pyramid scheme company to advocate for directing taxpayer funds to private, religious, and charter schools. A major GOP fundraiser, DeVoss called for the deregulation and privatization of the American education system. With zero experience as an educator or administrator, DeVoss home-schooled her own children. She rolled back Obama-era policies on campus sexual assault and fought to end a school loan borrower protection program that made it easier for defrauded students to get their loans forgiven. After a failed attempt to kill an inquiry into for-profit colleges, DeVoss named a dean from DeVry University to lead a group of investigators. In a comical Congressional hearing, DeVoss called for arming school personnel because Wyoming schools might need guns to defend against grizzly bears. DeVoss is the only cabinet official to receive twenty-four hour protection from the U.S. Marshals Service after being heckled in front of a public school. The sister of Erik Prince, soon to be convicted felon and founder of the infamous Blackwater mercenary security group, DeVoss registered her personal yacht as a foreign vessel to avoid state taxes.
Energy: Former Texas Governor Rick Perry once called for the abolishment of the agency he now runs. Mixing a deadly blend of ignorance and incompetence, Perry did not know his department was responsible for overseeing the country's nuclear arsenal. In an ironic twist, Perry served as one of Trump's main emissaries to Saudi Arabia in an attempt to get the Kingdom to partner with the U.S. on nuclear power.
Health and Human Services: After Trump's initial appointee, Tom Price, was bounced from his position for insider trading, like purchasing shares in companies manufacturing replacement knees and hips and then introducing bills to affect the cost of such surgeries, and his extravagant use of private and military jets to visit his own properties, Trump tapped Alex Azar as his replacement. As U.S. Division President of pharmaceutical giant Eli Lilly, Azar increased the cost of a crucial diabetes drug by three-hundred percent, doubled the price of insulin, and was fined for colluding to keep prices high in Mexico. Oh yeah, he also worked on the first two years of the calamitous Clinton Whitewater Investigation under Kenneth Starr.
Homeland Security: Secretary Kirstjen Nielsen is the face of migrant family separation. After tweeting, "We do not have a policy of separating families at the border. Period," Nielsen said, "We will not apologize for the job we do," like putting kids in cages. According to The New York Times, nearly twelve-thousand immigrant children spent last Thanksgiving in federal custody.
HUD: Hapless presidential candidate Ben Carson was most likely put in charge of Housing and Urban Development because it had the word "urban" in the title. Knowing nothing about housing policy or HUD's work, Carson is mainly known for the redecoration of his office, including the purchase of a thirty-one thousand dollar dining room set which he blamed on his wife. Citing a "secular progressive movement in this country," Carson halted an investigation into housing discrimination practices. Dr. Ben stated that, "poverty, to a large extent, is also a state of mind," and that slaves should be seen as "involuntary immigrants." Carson tried to impose work requirements on recipients of housing assistance. After Trump's egregious comments about the neo-klan rally in Charlottesville, Carson claimed the mayhem and murder were, "little squabbles being blown out of proportion." Since all the corruption can't be covered in one page, let's just skip to:
Treasury: As Chief Information Officer for Goldman Sachs, Steve Mnuchin advocated for the reduction of corporate tax rates, making him a perfect fit for Trump's Cabinet of thieves. Despite the murder and dismemberment of Washington Post journalist Jamal Khashoggi, Mnuchin traveled to Saudi Arabia to meet with Prince Mohammed bin Salman (MBS) just two weeks after Secretary of State and far-right Christian zealot Mike Pompeo held a similar meeting. Mnuchin said they discussed "combating the financing of terrorism." Best known for requesting a government jet for his European honeymoon with sometime actress and nude model, Louise Linton, the Mnuchins were photographed exiting a government jet in Kentucky, which Mrs. Mnuchin then posted on Instagram, tagging a series of luxury clothing designers. The trip was ostensibly to meet with amphibian Majority Leader Mitch McConnell, but just happened to coincide with a primo viewing of the solar eclipse. The couple then traveled to Fort Knox and were photographed holding sheets of uncut bills featuring the new Treasury Secretary's signature. In his official capacity, Mnuchin liften sanctions on companies linked to Vladimir Putin.
And here we haven't even had the chance to discuss the arrogant and inept Acting Attorney General Mathew Whitaker, Hope Hicks, John Bolton, Scott Pruitt or Crypt Keeper wannabe Rudy Giuliani. We've yet to touch on the soon to be incarcerated Michael Cohen, Mike Flynn, Paul Manafort, Don, Jr., Jared, Ivanka, or Nixon fanboy Roger Stone. When the multiple investigations are finally completed, I'm confidant that they'll be "the best people" that prison can hold.
A year has passed without me complaining about the phrases and words I hear on a regular basis that cause me to go "off the rails." I know it may seem like a "nothing burger" to you, but I am mystified by how "that moment when" one person said something clever, and it metastasized into slipshod nationwide verbal swill. There are plenty of "bad actors," so let's "play the blame game." There are some repeat offenders that "rolled over" from last year but, "believe me," there are plenty of fresh ones that would "literally" gag a buzzard off a shit wagon. "Does that make sense?"
The award for the major annoyance for the second consecutive year is the word,
So. So, when did this affectation take hold? Ask someone a question, and if they're pundits, reporters, or teens in the mall, they all seem to have the need to preface every sentence with "So." For example, "How'd you get that scar on your face?" "So, I was at home trying to train the cat to leap through a ring of fire and she went for my eyes." If you haven't noticed yet, now you will.
Another aggravation making the list again is the verbal habit of,
Dropping the "T" in the middle of a word. This may not sound impor'ant to you, but it's cur'ains for the lingua franca. I mean, are we speaking La'in now? I first thought this was just a cultural thing, especially among the British, and it is. This irritant is called a Glottal Stop and it's been studied in England since the 1800s. I'm not sure how it reached our shores, but it spread through every strata of society like a norovirus on a cruise ship. Maybe it was Vladimir Pu'in.
The Adult in the Room. All the grownups have left the building so Donnie can has cheezburger. "All alone" is the pathetic whimper of an insecure man. But don't worry. Soon there will be all the "executive time" one inmate can stand.
Moving the Goalposts. I saw this once when Tennessee beat Alabama "back in the day," but they tore that one down. The only other time I've actually seen the goalpost move is when a field goal kicker doinks one off the crossbar like the Chicago Bears did last week. That was "literally" a "game-changer."
Woke. This is what happens when oblivious lawn servicemen crank up those goddamn leaf blowers at 7:00 on a Saturday morning. Sweet Jesus, didn't this city used to have some sort of noise ordinance? It feels like I'm trying to sleep on the deck of an aircraft carrier. By this time, everybody's woke.
Yeah, No. This expression is the common-law spouse of "Sorry, Not Sorry." Which is it? Have some gumption and pick a side. "Just sayin.'"
LOL. This was cute back in the chat rooms of America Online, but now that there are a variety of smiley-face emojis, this acronym has become archaic. However, people are saying this in public now. Don't say "LOL," just go ahead and laugh. This includes ROFL, LMAO, LMFAO, and SMH LMAO. Of course, all this is IMHO.
Drill Down. Cable TV hosts use this expression when they're fixing to get to the bottom of something. We'll be hearing a lot more of this phrase in the coming year, but out of professional courtesy, it should be reserved for dentists.
References to Game of Thrones. Would you believe that there are people who aren't into Fantasy/Science Fiction and thus, don't know what the hell you're talking about? I've never seen a single episode of Game of Thrones and I don't like dragons. I am also uninterested in Star Wars, Star Trek, Harry Potter, Lord of the Rings, and all the Marvel Superheroes Movies. Does this make me a bad person? I can quote large swaths of dialogue from The Godfather, but I don't just throw it out there casually. And I've frisked a thousand young punks.
MAGA. Fuck you and your Chinese hat.
No Collusion. "No puppet, no puppet... You're the puppet."
Guardrails. See "The Adult in the Room" above.
Thoughts and Prayers. I know you mean well, but instead of praying you might consider actually doing something. And they're always "going out" there somewhere. Shouldn't they be going in? Just for variety's sake, after the next mass murder, change it to prayers and thoughts. This illuminates your priorities.
And finally, Fake News. It's curious how the supposed "fake news" keeps turning out to be true. It's strange that "Individual-1" will only grant interviews to Fox News personalities. Judge Jeanine Pirro will never cross-examine him. He likes "Fox and Friends" because there's always a young blonde co-host sitting on the couch in a short dress with her legs crossed. All the time. "This Rusher thing, with Trump and Russia," gets truer every day. All this bombast and middle-school taunting was merely a diversion to distract from the very real news that the President of the United States was under investigation for being a Russian asset. We are living through a nightmare "the likes of which the world has never seen." But "chillax." Special Council Mueller is about to "take it to the next level," literally.
This nation has gone completely insane and everybody's armed. I just wanted to point that out before I got to the main subject of this commentary: having birthdays. Lots of them. The topic has been on my mind since I'm about to round that circle once again, and when enough birthdays pile up, you start doing the calculus. It's not age that bothers me, it's the aging process. In my mind's eye, I'm still thirty-five, but my mirrored reflection betrays that fantasy. I'm way far from decrepit and am generally in decent shape for a man whose daily walk is from the bedroom to the den. Of course, the doctor tells me to walk around the block, but baby, it's cold outside. My wife will attest that I'm still very boyish and sometimes downright goofy. Here's a dark confession: I still make funny faces at myself in the mirror. Which brings me to expound upon my concerns in the only creative way I know how- in a song.
Did I tell y'all that I was a songwriter? I thought so. If not, check out "Old Dog, New Tricks," by Rufus Thomas on YouTube. See, this journalism business is just my side-hustle. For many years, I attempted songwriting as a profession, but after nine years in Nashville, I burned out. In addition, since there is no more music business, I've been receiving royalty checks for thirty-five cents, or a buck and a quarter every six months. Why even waste the stamp? However, after I quit writing songs, I found it was a hard habit to break, so I still write them- I just don't have anywhere to send them. But then, I realized that if I wrote out my song in the Memphis Flyer, it would be published automatically. The law states that a song is copyrighted as soon as the pencil leaves the paper, or in this case, the keystroke hits the screen, so don't be messing with my latest hit. I call it "Mirrors."
You're the one who got elected/ But not the one selected.
The word "orange" has no rhyme/ But that's the color you'll be wearing when you're doing time.
I'm sorry, that's from a different song I've been working on. If you'll indulge me:
Mirrors by Randy Haspel
I think my mirror's lying to me/ Where is that boy I used to be?
My beard is now all specked with grey/ And my hair has mostly gone away.
I just don't look the way I should/ But then, my eyesight's not that good.
I just can't seem to get used to myself/ I think I must be someone else.
The image in my mind is from 1993.
I think my mirror's lying to me.
I don't stare anymore/ but just by chance
I can't help but catch a passing glance.
But what I see just isn't me/ Where is that boy I used to be?
So I'm taking down the mirrors/ And here's the reason why.
I just can't stand to see a grown man cry.
I'm thinking of a Salsa or Samba beat, but it's still a work in progress. I promised myself that I wouldn't be one of those old codgers who sit around and complain about what ails them, yet here I am. I've accepted my circumstances, but that doesn't mean I have to like it. My first sign that I needed to take cautionary action was when I nearly slipped in the shower. I caught myself before falling through the curtain, hitting my head on the sink, and Elvising out on the bathroom rug. Melody is the mechanically inclined person in this household, so the next thing I knew, she was assembling one of those orthopedic chairs, all rubber and plastic, like the kind they use in hospitals. I balked at first out of reflexive vanity. Surely, a chair in the shower is a sign of surrender. But after I tried it, I wondered why it's not standard equipment in all showers. It's like sitting under a tropical waterfall and makes you want to linger. And you don't have to bob and weave around a shower head like some slick prizefighter. The chair helped me come to terms with my limitations. Although longevity is on my side, I still can't help but be concerned. I inherited the longevity gene from my mother, but I also inherited my grandmother's neurosis. If there's a genetic predisposition, I'm on course to live a long life miserably. Now get the hell off of my lawn.
Remember Brent Kavanaugh? Or was it Bart? Those noxious hearings seem so long ago, I can hardly remember. I seem to recall something about the rollicking activities of Bart and his bros P.J., Squi, and Tobin having a "drink until you puke" contest during Beach Week on a private island somewhere. In-between alcohol fueled episodes of bird-dogging teenage girls, Kavanaugh's Krewe was directly responsible for the banning of beer on the beach because girls kept getting sand in their Schlitz. It seems Burt may have received serious mental impairment from Beach Week because thirty years later, he sat in front of a Senate Sub-Committee and continued to repeat the phrase, "I like beer," as if it were some sort of alcoholic zombie mantra. The all night benders, the shit-faced stupors, along with the alleged molestations, are just the qualities many fine people look for in a Supreme Court Justice. I heard Thurgood Marshall was known to butt-chug some suds while attending keggers at Howard University Law School. I don't know for sure but many people are saying that. He shouldn't worry. I understand that Thurgood Marshall is getting more popular every day. He and Frederick Douglass rented a loft in D.C. where they have "brewski orgies" every weekend. Bruce Kavanaugh is still waiting for an invitation, but he gets so mean when he's schnockered, he frightens the ladies.
Trump got his Preppie, frat-boy, jock "fixer" onto the Supreme Court just in time to quash any pesky subpoenas he might receive to testify before the Special Council. Weren't the tumultuous Kavanaugh hearings supposed to be the major issue for the Republicans in the mid-terms? But, as usual, Trump had to make it all about himself. He told his rabid cultists to "pretend I'm on the ballot," and they did. Either voters believed his racist and maniacal rantings about the "Caravan" filled with ISIS terrorists and horny, "big, strong men" walking from Honduras to your town to have their way with your women and spread exotic diseases, or you believed the truth. Fox News even featured an ex-ICE agent who said the migrants were bringing smallpox, leprosy, and TB, even though Smallpox was eradicated in 1980. According to President Norman Bates, Democrats are evil people who "don't care about crime and want illegal immigrants to pour in and infest" the nation. When Nancy Pelosi objected to the reference of migrants as "animals," Trump responded by stating that she "came out in favor of MS-13." Miraculously, when the election was over, the Caravan vanished from the news, except for Trump's stunt sending five-thousand troops to spend Thanksgiving in West Texas eating turkey and dressing from a MRE pouch.
Trump's post-election press conference was the most graceless, combative, and condescending yet. Words can't compare with the YouTube video you should see for yourself. His singling out of CNN's Jim Acosta as, "A rude, terrible person (who) shouldn't be working for CNN," was only the beginning of the cratering of decency. After the press berating, the unforgivably recused Jeff Sessions only lasted an hour. The angry and paranoid Trump left it to Gen. John Kelly to do the firing. This was expected, but before Trump flew off to France to become an international pariah, he installed his pool boy as Acting Attorney General. His lackey's name is Matt Whitaker, who looks like a bouncer in a biker bar, but was actually a huckster for World Patent Marketing, a fraudulent invention promotion firm that scammed clients out of twenty-six million dollars, including the doomed investments from their marketing outreach program for veterans. The FTC shut the company down in 2017 citing "threats, intimidation, and gag clauses," and froze their assets. Now who doesn't deserve a job in the White House after that? Especially since Whitaker wrote in USA Today that Hillary should be indicted, and appeared on CNN advocating for a limitation to the Mueller probe. It's become obvious that in the lame-duck session, the cornered Trump will do as much damage as possible before the new Congress comes in and demands to see his birth certificate, so expect more Brownshirt rallies.
Cable news pundits assert that Democrats should feel elated for taking back the House, but this election left me disgusted. I'm dismayed that nearly half the country thinks that this sociopath's blatant racism, sexism, and fear of the "other," is alright by them. This was the most vile, repulsive, and racist campaign in my lifetime, and that was just in Tennessee. The former "image consultant," Marsha Blackburn, embraced every Trump atrocity, and then some. Her television ads were a disgrace. Sure, Phil Bredesen stepped on his dick with the whole Kavanaugh business, but I naively believed enough people thought he was a good enough governor to be elected. He wasn't just beaten, he was slaughtered, proving that fearmongering works among the rural folk. Our little corner of Tennessee was a blue canoe in the midst of a redneck sea. Trump has pledged a "war footing" if the Democrats begin investigating his abuses, meaning nothing gets done for the foreseeable future. There hasn't been one calm day since this duck-tailed Colonel Parker clone took office. California is currently experiencing the most deadly fires in its history, on top of the twelve people slaughtered by a twisted gunman with an illegal extended magazine in a college bar in Thousand Oaks. Trump has yet to utter a word. He has, however, announced the winners of this year's Presidential Medal of Freedom awards. Among Trump's picks are right-wing scourge Antonin Scalia, baseball legend Babe Ruth, and home-boy, Elvis Presley. At least he doesn't have to worry if they'll be showing up for the medal ceremony.
