Hello young 'uns. It's your old Uncle Randy back again with another story about life in these Unites States. It was the spring of '73. I was in my mid-20s and for some bizarre reason decided I needed to move out of the city and experience pastoral life. Big mistake. I found a rental house near the entrance to Shelby Forest State Park, about a half-mile down the roadway from Rev. Al Green. It got boring and lonely in a hurry. I had a little .22 caliber rifle out there and since there was nothing to do, I became such a good shot, I could shoot the "D" out of a Dr. Pepper can at thirty feet. I was also a member of a band that had a regular gig at the Admiral Benbow Inn by the airport. Curiously, they called their airport lounge the Club Car and insisted the band assume a railroad related name. We settled on the Breakmen in honor of the Singing Brakeman Jimmy Rodgers of Meridian, Mississippi, but we purposely misspelled it as an act of rebellion and because we enjoyed taking breaks. Five nights a week, I commuted from Shelby Forest to the airport and back. The Club Car was full of itinerant strangers and drunk, horny traveling salesmen. Once, after I had sung what I thought was a stellar version of a Dave Mason song, a slurring voice from the crowd shouted, "Hey twerp. Why don't you play something we might enjoy." I left the city to find some peace and I was catching hell instead. In truth, I was going crazy. Richard Nixon had been trying to kill me.
It was a weird time as well. The Vietnam War, the defining event of my generation, was winding down, after Nixon, and his fellow war criminal Henry Kissinger, screamed "bombs away" on the nations of Cambodia and Laos. In the vacuum created by the Americans, homicidal dictators emerged, ultimately causing millions of casualties. On March 29, the last American troops left Vietnam. The most divisive conflict since the Civil War had caused millions of people to take to the streets in massive anti-war protests, and in some cases, receive bloody repression from the police. Suddenly, this immoral war was over and everybody just quietly faded back into the woodwork and went about their business as if there were nothing more to say. South Africa had a Truth and Reconciliation Commission after Apartheid to expose the countries worst human rights abuses and restore confidence in their government. Everybody here just went fishing. We never reconciled our differences over the Vietnam War which is the bedrock of our divisions today.
Nixon was the first president to intentionally polarize the nation for political purposes. The long-held rumor that Nixon caused the collapse of the 1968 Paris Peace Talks, telling agents of the South Vietnamese that they would get a better deal after his election, has been confirmed. Under his watch, an additional twenty thousand American soldiers and countless Vietnamese died, proving him to be a vile liar, a soulless gargoyle of paranoia, and a proven traitor. His reward was reelection by a landslide. But something happened on the way to the coronation. In June of 1972, five men were busted breaking into the Democratic National Committee headquarters in the Watergate Hotel, which opened a Pandora's Box of break-ins, thefts, illegal wiretapping, slush funds, cover-ups, incriminating private tapes, and a personal enemies list of the president's critics who were marked for retaliation by the IRS. It was the public that awakened and demanded an investigation. Televised hearings of the Senate Select Committee's investigation into Watergate and related matters began on May 17, 1973 and suddenly there was must-see TV and my tedious summer became fascinating. If you thought the OJ trial was riveting, you should have seen the Watergate Hearings. I watched the whole thing.
One week after the hearings began, a special prosecutor was named. Nixon fired him, only to have him replaced by an equally zealous seeker of truth. After a parade of despicable witnesses and two-hundred and fifty hours of testimony, the indictments began flying and the truth of Nixon's treachery was fully exposed. He was impeached on charges of obstructing justice, abuse of power, and interference with the impeachment process, and resigned in eternal disgrace to avoid being forcefully evicted from the White House. Anything beginning to sound familiar here? What took Nixon six years to self-immolate, Donald Trump has accomplished in six months. You know the saying about those who do not learn history are doomed to repeat it. Trump is supremely ignorant of history and thus is as doomed as Nixon. Trump's blatant criminality is in legal hands now and subject to the law rather than the whims of Congress. The only question remaining is whether he'll fight it or quit. My money's on the latter. The Watergate affair caused forty government officials to either be indicted or sent to prison, including the Attorney General, Nixon's key advisors, and his legal counsel. Trump's in Nixon territory now. It will be a rerun of the 1973 summer of televised hearings and will get yuge ratings, better than "House of Cards." Appointed President Ford said, "Never again must Americans allow an arrogant, elite guard of political adolescents to bypass the regular party organization and dictate the terms of a national election." Get the popcorn ready. We're all fixin' to binge-watch a tyrant's comeuppance.
On October 23, 2016, Donald Trump made remarks at the historic Gettysburg Battlefield. He delivered a different speech than originally prepared, but we were able to gain access to the first draft of then candidate Trump's personal notations, scribbled on the back of a Burger King place mat. We believe we have succeeded in deciphering the erratic scribbles and have attempted to retain the original intent as best as modern graphology will allow. Here, unfiltered, is Trump's Gettysburg Address.
Eight score and two years ago my grandfather brought to this country a fantastic family name- Friedrich Drumpf - which he quickly changed to Fred Trump since German immigrants were frowned upon at the time. He formed a terrific business of bars and brothels catering to the new frontiersmen of the Klondike Gold Rush. Hey, I just coined the expression "New Frontier." I can definitely use that. Grandpa Trump took his fortune and moved back to Germany, but they kicked him out for both draft and tax evasion. Just imagine, if the kraut government had been nicer to refugees, I'd be peddling real estate in Hamburg today. But, three score and ten years ago, I was conceived in Liberty, which is a small neighborhood in Queens. Like my father, who inherited a small fortune, we were dedicated to the proposition that all men are created equal, just some more equal than others.
We meet today on a great battlefield of the Civil War because I need Pennsylvania's electoral votes. When I gaze across this landscape, I'm thinking to myself, "Hmm, what a terrible waste of space." This would make a fantastic location for a hotel and a private golf course, considering its historic significance. But, as Lincoln said, "We can not dedicate, we can not consecrate, we can not hallow this ground." At least until we get all these ugly markers out of here and stage a first-class ground breaking ceremony with the boys and Ivanka. I've been informed that a lot of men died here. Personally, I like soldiers that didn't die. People don't ask the question, why was there a Civil War? Why could that one not have been worked out? Andrew Jackson saw what was coming while moldering in his grave and said, "There's no reason for this." His one hundred and fifty slaves most certainly would have agreed. Lincoln just couldn't close the deal but I, alone, could have fixed it. I don't understand the whole Lincoln thing. People don't realize he was a Republican, but many people say he was a melungeon. This I can tell you.
The fake media won't report it, but our crowd today is a hundred times larger than the turnout for Lincoln's speech. I looked at all those old Mathew Brady photographs and I've instructed Sean Spicer to produce pictures that show this was the greatest Gettysburg Address, period. Although I escaped military service because my foot hurt, if I had been at the battle of Gettysburg, I certainly would have won since I know more than all the generals. That old grey-haired granny Bobby Lee was much too low-energy to ever defeat Trump. And I never owned any slaves, only children in China who assemble my clothing line for slave wages. I would ask the blacks today, "What have you got to lose?" You should give me your last full measure of devotion if we ever make it easier for you to vote. The world will little note, nor long remember what we say here because the crooked media is so unfair, but government of the rich, by the rich, and for the rich, is good enough to win the Electoral College. But I tell you this, no politician in history, and I say this with great surety, has been treated worse or more unfairly than me. Except maybe for Lincoln.
Since spring is the time for renewal and new beginnings, the occasion is ripe for the annual list of words and phrases that I just can't stand hearing anymore. And I stand behind that statement 110%.
Any such list would be derelict without including the annoying phrase of the year: "Alternative facts." Popularized by the vapid Kellyanne Conway, the term can easily be translated as "bullshit."
So. When asked a question, it seems everyone from pundits to pandits begins their answer with the word "so," as in: " Explain why are you in jail?" "So, I was running naked through Wal-Mart and got tackled by a security guard." This should only be acceptable at the beginning of a joke, i.e. "So, this giraffe walks into a bar and says, 'The highballs are on me.'"
There's no there there. Nothing to see here folks. Just keep moving.
Air quotes. If I see one more goober claw the sky with two fingers on each hand, there's a chance that I may get violent. Or at least violently sick. Please use your words instead, like "so-called" president, or the "alleged" Attorney General.
Nothing Burger. I'll gladly pay you Tuesday for a hamburger today. No beef, no bun, no condiments, no garnishment.
No prob./No worries. This is a phrase popularized by restaurant wait-staff when you ask for something like unsweetened tea. It shouldn't be a problem if it's their job.
Breaking News. The original sin of all local newscasts. Now, everything is "Breaking News," even if its already broken. A wreck on the interstate is not really "breaking news," unless it was an oil tanker and the highway's on fire.
And while we're at it, a "Severe thunderstorm watch" is no reason to preempt Jeopardy!
6:AM in the morning. An agonizing redundancy. Everyone knows A.M. means morning. Use one or the other or risk using needless words with ample abundance.
No-Brainer. This one's really a no-brainer. Use "foregone conclusion" instead. It makes you sound smarter.
Cray. I get it. I just wish my wife would stop using this expression in reference to me.
Alt-Right. Let's just call them what they are: Nazis.
America First. Speaking of Nazis, this expression was popularized during WWII and became the name of the national, anti-Semitic, isolationist organization whose purpose was to appease Hitler. Dog whistles or ignorance?
Game Changer. To have one's course altered, as in: That bout with syphilis was a real game-changer for Al Capone.
Non-usage of the consonant "T." When did this catch on? Examples: "No you di'nt Bill Clin'on," or, "I have something impor'nt to tell you." Used by all races and levels of education, this trend is irrita'ng for errbody.
Baby Bump. Such an unbelievable trivialization of the term "preggers."
Make America Great Again. Ronald Reagan used this slogan in the eighties and it still makes me gag. Let's go ahead and include, Bigly, "Many people say," the Liberal Media, "This I can tell you," Classy, and Radical Islamic Terrorism.
The Mother of All...and Blank "Gate." We just dropped the Mother of All Bombs in Afghanistan to retaliate for the Mother of All Wars in Iraq. At home, Chris Christie gave us "Bridgegate," and we're about to enter a phase called "Kremlin-gate." We're not even going to mention "Pee-gate."
Drop. As in; Beyonce's new single will drop this week. Now, even Rachel Maddow is saying, "New legislation drops tomorrow." And while we're at it, let's include the Mic Drop. Obama out.
Walk It Back and Misspoke. These terms will become increasingly commonplace during the tenure of Press Secretary Sean Spicer. They are Washington colloquialisms for "lying."
LOL. Enough already. Stop laughing at your own jokes.
And finally: Bill O'Reilly. So long sucker.
Now, let's take this thing to the next level.
Now that the farce called Trumpcare has imploded into finger pointing and recriminations, you can bet the insurance companies, aided by the GOP congress, will do everything in their power to assure the final destruction of Obamacare. Since the healthcare industry is in turmoil, may I ask a basic question? What in God's name is the insurance business doing in the heart of healthcare in the first place? Why should anyone profit from the misery of others? I roughly understand the basics of life insurance. People come together as a group and pay continual premiums into a general account. Miss a payment and they keep your money. Just ask me. Everybody's premiums are invested, making the insurance companies grandly prosperous so they can afford to pay death benefits to the beneficiaries of the dearly departed who had the courtesy to die within the allotted time frame. In other words, you're making a bet on when you'll buy the farm. The insurers even have mortality tables that provide odds on your death, sort of like a human expiration date. Should you win your bet, your family gets paid, only you're dead. If you live past the twenty or thirty years usually proscribed in an insurance contract, you lose and get squat. And they keep your money- all of it. The whole thing is purposely vague so that you need to hire an agent, or one will surely find you. The same principles apply to other insurance instruments, like car, home, travel, or personal accident. The difference is that not everyone will be involved in a car wreck, or have their travelers' checks stolen, or their house burn down, but sooner or later, everybody is going to get sick.
The purpose of Obamacare was to spread the risks of healthcare costs among a large group of people, in order to pay the extortion rates of the medical and pharmaceutical industries. For instance, a bottle of Excedrin at Walgreen's costs six dollars, but in the hospital, it's six bucks a tablet. It's all a scam assembled by the institutions that stand to reap the profits from the treatment of the sick and elderly. That's why Obama asked for the mandate, so that younger people who tend to be healthier join the pool of the insured. Just as everyone is required to buy auto insurance, even if you never use it, everyone's purchase of health insurance would pay the costs of colossal, backbreaking hospital bills and prescription medications.The plan faltered because young people weren't interested in another monthly note and the bill had Barack Obama's name on it. Still, twenty million people were able to take advantage of the Affordable Care Act, even if they didn't know it was Obamacare by another name. The mistake was allowing the insurance companies to remain in place to continue fleecing the populism, but that would require a public option, and you know how those free marketeers love their capitalism. It's well known that the United States is the only country in the civilized world that doesn't offer health care to its citizens as a right and not a privilege. A study by the Commonwealth Fund of the healthcare systems in eleven developed countries found America dead last, despite being the world's most expensive.
By contrast, just across the river from Detroit is the nation of Canada- less than half a mile away, but light years away in the care of its citizens. Healthcare in Canada works like Medicare for everyone, advocated by Bernie Sanders during his presidential campaign. All medical expenses are free except dental and prescription drugs. The government keeps drugs cheap by negotiating with the pharmaceutical companies on a federal level. Bringing that model to this country would bring peace of mind to patients, free doctors from endless paperwork, and since the profit motive would be removed, there would be no need for fraud or superfluous hospital tests to run up Medicare bills that benefit someone's bottom line. Of course, that would require that hospitals be funded by the public as part of the national budget. Now that the Jolly Orange Giant has turned his back on the healthcare issue, he has focused his gaze on tax cuts for the wealthy. So there will be no universal healthcare during Trump's tenure- how ever long that may be.
The reactionary Republicans voted to repeal Obamacare over sixty times. They had seven years to come up with a replacement, and they couldn't do it. Speaker Paul Ryan's hastily constructed America Health Care Act couldn't pass muster with the GOP Freedom Caucus, the act formerly known as the Tea Party. Although health insurance lobbyists helped shape the bill that slashed funding for Medicaid so the poor would suffer first, it still wasn't cruel enough for the hard-right zealots. Last minute revisions intended to throw raw meat to the jackals included turning the funding of Medicare over to the states, giving "health care tax credits" to the elderly, the immediate repeal of Obama's taxes on the rich, and the instituting of a test for all "able-bodied adults" to pass a work requirement before being enrolled in Medicaid. Herr Trump blamed the Democrats for not voting to destroy President Obama's signature achievement. Trumpcare went up in flames because of the activism of millions of people who opposed it and transformed town hall meetings into episodes of the Oprah Winfrey show. As it turns out, the public seems to like their Obamacare, which was formulated by the ultra-conservative Heritage Foundation in the early nineties and enacted into law by Mitt Romney in Massachusetts. The Affordable Care Act remains the law of the land and a bruising defeat for the "Art of the Spiel." Donald Trump rose to prominence by appearing in a reality TV show called "The Apprentice." He should return to a career in reality television, only this time, Trump could be the host of "The Biggest Loser."
Hello young 'uns. It's your old Uncle Randy back again with another story about life in these Unites States. It was the spring of '73. I was in my mid-20s and for some bizarre reason decided I needed to move out of the city and experience pastoral life. Big mistake. I found a rental house near the entrance to Shelby Forest State Park, about a half-mile down the roadway from Rev. Al Green. It got boring and lonely in a hurry. I had a little .22 caliber rifle out there and since there was nothing to do, I became such a good shot, I could shoot the "D" out of a Dr. Pepper can at thirty feet. I was also a member of a band that had a regular gig at the Admiral Benbow Inn by the airport. Curiously, they called their airport lounge the Club Car and insisted the band assume a railroad related name. We settled on the Breakmen in honor of the Singing Brakeman Jimmy Rodgers of Meridian, Mississippi, but we purposely misspelled it as an act of rebellion and because we enjoyed taking breaks. Five nights a week, I commuted from Shelby Forest to the airport and back. The Club Car was full of itinerant strangers and drunk, horny traveling salesmen. Once, after I had sung what I thought was a stellar version of a Dave Mason song, a slurring voice from the crowd shouted, "Hey twerp. Why don't you play something we might enjoy." I left the city to find some peace and I was catching hell instead. In truth, I was going crazy. Richard Nixon had been trying to kill me.
