Dear Congressman Cohen

Dear Congressman Cohen,

The Democrats are practically salivating over their chances to retake the House and possibly the Senate in November, especially since the treasonous antics of this aberration of a President in Finland with his handler, Vlad the Impaler. However, there are still some major obstacles. I believe that among the reasons that so many people sat out the last election rather than vote for Hillary was their reluctance to return Bill Clinton to the White House. Similarly, I sense that the same voters who mistrusted the Clintons, do not want to see the Speaker's gavel returned to Nancy Pelosi. You know me, Congressman. I have no special insights or inside sources to assist me in formulating an opinion. I'm like a Will Rogers for the electronic age. All I know is what I see, hear, and read from multi-platforms and trusted sources, so when I say the Democrats have problems, that's just my perception of things, backed up with a generous knowledge of history and politics. I believe that this will be a generational election, much like 1960 when the torch was passed to JFK. When the torch was passed to our generation, we unfortunately passed it back. Now is the season to rectify old mistakes. Former DNC Chairman Howard Dean said, "Nancy (Pelosi) is probably the greatest speaker since Tip O'Neill," but in the next breath said it was, "time for (his) generation to get the hell out of the way." Ms. Pelosi has been in the party's top spot for fifteen years. That's five years longer than Tip O'Neill. She has been a familiar face since she was elected to Congress in 1987, representing most of San Francisco. That was the same year Michael Jackson released "Bad," and the number one movie was "Dirty Dancing." As effective a leader as I believe Ms. Pelosi has been, I fear she has stayed too long at the ball.

We both know that a great deal of politics is perception. For instance, the Republicans are perceived as the Neo-Know Nothing Party, thoroughly corrupted and devoid of any social conscience, while the Democrats are perceived as either whimpering simps or simpering wimps, who have allowed the word "liberal" to become a filthy epithet, and have no true compass for the future of the nation. We also know that the Democrats could fuck up a mayonnaise sandwich, and are entirely capable of doing it again. People are clamoring for fresh voices and new leadership, but I only hear crickets from the Dems. Currently, the ages of the House Democratic leadership are respectively: Ms. Pelosi-78, Party Whip Steny Hoyer-79, and Assistant Minority Leader Jim Clyburn-78. I'm not sure if these are politicians or the cast of "Cocoon." During a brief discussion, you told me that Nancy Pelosi accomplished more in a day than others did in a month and that she had the energy of others "half her age." Therein lies the problem. Representatives half her age should already be rising into positions of influence in the party. At least twenty current Democratic candidates have said they will not vote for Ms. Pelosi as Speaker, causing the party leadership elections to be postponed until Thanksgiving. Matt Fuller of the "Huffington Post" wrote, "Pelosi was able to save face, delaying the elections herself instead of actually letting the group force her into moving the date."

Speaking of perception, it's not all about age. We know Nancy Pelosi as the first female Speaker in history, a champion of women's rights, and perhaps the greatest fundraiser in party history. She also Blocked George Bush's plan to privatize Social Security and helped shepherd Obamacare through Congress when others had given up. Conversely, after the Bush regime misled the American people about Weapons of Mass Destruction and took the country into an unnecessary war, Pelosi said impeachment was "off the table." Concerning Trump, Ms. Pelosi said that impeachment would be "a gift to the Republicans," that could alienate voters. She concluded, "this is not the path (the Party) should go on." She has advocated not poking the bear. Don't talk about impeachment? I want that lying, ill-tempered, conniving, money-laundering, puffed-up Putin's punk not just impeached but arrested and jailed. Our Democracy is burning. If there were ever a time to discuss impeachment, it's now. I don't care if it motivates the Trump cultists, the Democrats' job is to turn out more voters than they do. The Republicans are actively involved in their favorite activity; suppressing the vote. Of course, the right-wing perception of Nancy Pelosi is a "Demon, blood-sucking San Fransisco liberal," who wants to raise your taxes and give it all to MS-13 gang members and abortion clinics. The GOP spent sixty-five million dollars on anti-Pelosi ads in 2010 and are gearing up to spend even more this outing. The Trumpsters need an enemy and now that Hillary's gone, Nancy Pelosi is the best they have. Republican ad men believe "her face on the screen stokes fear and anger." Retiring abject failure Paul Ryan claimed, "The Democratic candidates are tied to Nancy Pelosi and her toxic liberal agenda, no matter what they say."

We know that Chuck Schumer has been called "The Senator From Wall Street," but that's not your purview. Trump is fond of labeling the Democratic leadership  "Chuck n' Nancy," more in derision than anything else. But if "Chuck n' Nancy" were a Broadway show, it would have been cancelled on November 9th, 2016. Since Nancy Pelosi took the gavel in 2007, Democrats have lost thirty-nine House seats, yet she still claims impeachment is a "distraction."  Former CIA Chief John Brennan tweeted, "Donald Trump's press conference performance in Helsinki rises to & exceeds the threshold of 'high crimes and misdemeanors.' It was nothing short of treasonous." The "Need to Impeach" campaign of billionaire Tom Steyer has accumulated over 5.4 signatures, sixty percent of which are "registered voters who don't vote." Steyer said, "We believe fighting against a reckless and lawless president is not something that will turn off voters. I have immense respect for Nancy Pelosi..I love her, but I disagree with her on this." One Representative has said, "The time has come to make clear to the American people and to this president that his train of injuries to our Constitution must be brought to an end through impeachment," That was you Congressman Cohen, and I respect and admire you for your courageous stance. It is imperative that the Democrats succeed in washing the poisonous Tea Party, aka the "Freedom Caucus," from the body politic in November. There are excellent chances this may happen but not while Pelosi's amped-up, hysterical backbiters blame her for everything from the wildfires in California to trapping a Thai soccer team in an underwater cave. No one should have to tell Ms. Pelosi that she is an impediment to the chances of a Democratic victory. She could gracefully withdraw her nomination for Speaker before the fall election and drive the rabid opposition insane. We should honor Nancy Pelosi's long and brilliant service as party leader, but as Near-President Al Gore once famously said, "It's time for them to go."  

Respectfully, your loyal constituent of TN District 9,

Randy Haspel












 

The Steve Miller Ban

What would you call a nation that separates children from their immigrant parents and warehouses them in abandoned Big Box stores behind chain-linked fences? What do you call a regime that institutes a "zero tolerance" policy for immigrant families fleeing violence, political upheaval and poverty in their own countries?" What does it say about the law when the Attorney General has the pomposity to quote Scripture to justify the administration's gestapo tactics while grinning at the camera? And what do you say about a nation's leader that demands that all followers of a global religion be banned from entering the country? It used to be verboten for any responsible journalist to compare our democratic republic with the Nazis. How do you avoid the comparison when two Texas Public Defenders testify that some parents were told by Border Agents that their children were being taken "to bathe," and never returned? Reporters have told of nursing babies taken from their mothers; the screams of parents following the realization that their children were gone; and the tears of refugees who presented themselves at proper border crossings seeking asylum but instead were hustled off into criminal custody. I saw a documentary about children torn from their parents' arms once, only it took place in 1939 and I had to read the subtitles because it was in German. This is no longer the home of the brave and the land of the free. It's the home of the intolerant and the land of the incarcerated. I don't know about you, but I want my country back.

Always looking to deflect his assholism on to someone else, Trump tweeted in his own ungrammatical way, "Democrats can fix their forced family breakup at the Border by working with Republicans on new legislation, for a change." He's lying. No law requires this. During the influx of mothers and children from Central America in 2014, the Obama administration attempted to detain families with Immigration and Customs Enforcement until their cases could be adjudicated, which was administrative rather than criminal detention. Even then, a federal judge ordered a stay for confined asylum seekers and ruled that families could be held in detention for only a short period of time- usually twenty days. And children were not taken from their parents. In Trump's America, immigrants are taken into federal criminal custody, thus transforming their children into unaccompanied minors who are then whisked away to one of two hundred immigrant detention centers dotted all over the fruited plane. Chief of Staff John Kelly claimed that children and their parents would be separated, "In order to deter more movement along this terribly dangerous network. The children will be taken care of- put into foster care or whatever." Currently, the government has opened a "tent city" near El Paso to house three hundred sixty minors in one hundred degree heat, with plans to construct numerous such "cities" across Texas. They are also actively looking at military bases to house immigrant children. Even conservative pastor Franklin Graham said it was "disgraceful."

It only figures that a corrupted corporatocracy like the United States would eventually cough up a hairball like Donald Trump, but you'd have to look far and wide to find a Jewish Nazi like Stephen Miller. A far-right icon, Miller is a Senior Advisor to the President at the age of thirty-two. Born into a liberal Jewish family in Santa Monica, California, Miller is a descendant of ancestors who fled the pogroms of what is now Belarus. His conversion to conservatism took place after reading "Guns, Crime, and Freedom," a screed against progressive ideas and criminal justice reform written by National Rifle Association CEO Wayne LaPierre. At Duke University, quasi-nazi and white nationalist Richard Spencer claimed he mentored Miller, although Miller disavows ever knowing Spencer. Miller's first D.C. gig came as spokesman for Minnesota's moron Congresswoman Michele Bachmann, who said in 2014 that American Jews, "Sold out Israel," by voting for Obama, and apologized in Jerusalem only last week for her calls for converting "as many Jews as we can," because "Jesus is coming soon." In 2009, Miller became advisor and communications director for then Senator Jeff Sessions. In an interview with Breitbart News, Sessions praised the National Origins Act of 1924 which restricted immigration from Eastern Europe, saying, "It was good for America." The irony was lost on Miller.

Miller piggy-backed Sessions into the White House where his white nationalist views meshed perfectly with the new administration. After cozying up to the incendiary Steve Bannon, Miller invited the writers and editors of Breitbart News to the White House to discuss immigration. He played an integral part in Trump's illegal travel ban and was a crusader for restricting refugee resettlement and immigration from Muslim countries. He even wrote Trump's "American Carnage" Inaugural speech. His initial appearance on national news was notable for the comment, "The powers of the President to protect our country are very substantial and will not be questioned." A recent New York Times article said, "Mr. Miller was instrumental in Mr. Trump's decision to ratchet up the zero tolerance policy." Senator Lindsey Graham opined, "As long as Stephen Miller is in charge of negotiating immigration, we are going nowhere." I don't know the conditions that create a self-loathing Jew. If Miller was oblivious to the darkest chapter of the twentieth century, you'd have thought he'd at least seen Shindler's List. The Times reports that over the last six weeks, an estimated two-thousand children have been separated from their families. One immigrant from Honduras killed himself in custody after being separated from his wife and child. With Josef Goebbels wannabes like Stephen Miller advising the president, the time has come to decide whether the United States will retain its status as a beacon of liberty to the world or become just another "shithole country."

King Don the Last

There's this classic Soul song that you should hear called "Everybody Plays the Fool," by The Main Ingredient. You could YouTube it, or find it wherever you steal your music. The chorus goes, "Everybody plays the fool/ There's no exception to the rule/ It may be factual, it may be cruel/ But everybody plays the fool." I'll be the first to own up to it. As a younger man, I've been stood up, shot down, duped, used, and abused. I have been made a fool of, and have made a fool of myself more than once. Often, the most difficult part of being misled is admitting it to yourself. I think of myself as a reasonably smart fellow, so how could I allow myself to be so deceived? Coming to terms with my willful blindness meant admitting that I wasn't as smart as I thought I was. Anyone is capable of being hoodwinked if they truly want to believe in what you're selling. What's hard is confessing that you were had. It was a tough life lesson to absorb, but after awhile, I emerged a more cautious and wiser person. So, when are the Trump fanatics going to give it up? How long will it take before it dawns on the MAGA minions that they've been conned by a pro? As of this writing, Trump's approval ratings are at an all-time high. This means the educationally challenged are digging in, abetted by Fox News, Info-Wars, Breitbart, talk radio, and the oxymoronically named "Freedom Caucus," Trump's right-wing commandos in the House of Representatives. They are constantly spoon-fed an alternate reality where the "Deep State" and embittered Democrats are out to destroy the Trump presidency. In Trump World, he's as innocent as Santa Claus. They ask, in all sincerity, "tell me exactly what he has done wrong?" You've probably seen it in your Facebook feed too.

There is no convincing the "true believer" that their convictions are flawed. They must reach that conclusion alone. When attacked, they search for villains to blame and they give them names like Comey, Mueller, McCabe, Rosenstein, Clinton, and Obama- four of whom are Republicans. The revelation that the FBI had an informant embedded in his campaign has driven the President insane. During a tsunami of tweets, Trump wrote, "I hereby demand, and will do so officially tomorrow, that the Department of Justice look into whether or not the FBI/DOJ infiltrated or surveilled the Trump Campaign for Political Purposes (sic)- and if any such demands or requests were made by people within the Obama Administration!" The "king" hereby demands- who does he think he is, Vladimir Putin? Trump is commanding the Justice Department to investigate itself. It's no mystery. Foreign policy "advisors" George Papadopoulos and Carter Page were caught up in routine foreign wiretaps discussing the Trump campaign with Russian sympathizers. It would be negligent if the FBI did not place an informant in the campaign. Both men have pleaded guilty- Papadopoulis for lying to the FBI, and Page for "conspiracy against the United States." Both are co-operating with the Mueller investigation and are awaiting sentencing. And this is the low-hanging fruit. Both the GOP led House of Representatives' investigation and Trump's personal porch ghoul, Rudy Giuliani, have declared the Trump campaign to be completely blameless. Nothing has been proven, they say, so the Mueller probe should be shut down immediately.

In one year, the Mueller team has indicted nineteen people, including thirteen Russian nationals and three Russian companies, and obtained five guilty pleas. Former campaign manager Paul Manafort, in a twelve-count indictment, is charged with, "conspiracy against the United States," being an unregistered foreign agent, and making false statements. New charges were brought in February claiming Manafort laundered over thirty million dollars, failed to pay taxes for a decade, and used real estate holdings to fraudulently obtain twenty million dollars in loans. That's why Manafort is wearing two ankle bracelets while he awaits trial on charges that, if proven guilty, could land him in prison for three hundred years. Manafort's deputy, Rick Gates, has pleaded guilty and is co-operating with the Mueller investigation. Former National Security Advisor, Michael Flynn, plead guilty to charges of lying to the FBI about his discussions with Russian contacts over removing Obama era sanctions for annexing the Crimea. The overzealous Nixon lover, Roger Stone, said he is "prepared to be indicted" over his communications with Russian hackers and WikiLeaks founder, Julian Assange. If this is the "witch hunt" that Trump claims, the brooms are beginning to stack up in the corridors of justice.

We had yet to mention the Trump Tower meeting between Don, Jr., Jared Kushner, and a cauldron of Russians, when new information emerged about a heretofore unknown gathering in the Tower between Don the Lesser and emissaries from the United Arab Emirates and Saudi Arabia looking to help Daddy. Trump tweeted, "The Witch Hunt finds no Collusion (sic) with Russia- so now they're looking at the rest of the World. Oh' great." Too bad they didn't teach grammar and punctuation at the Wharton School. Every time Trump sends out a tweet, somewhere an English teacher has a cardiac infarction. Trump's personal attorney, Michael Cohen, said he would take a bullet for the President. He might have to. There's not room in a single article to discuss Stormy Daniels, the China bribery, obstruction of justice, personal enrichment, cronyism, nepotism, bank fraud, cover-ups, bribery, extortion, and abuse of power. Next up is a defamation lawsuit filed by former "Apprentice" contestant and alleged victim of sexual abuse, Summer Zervos. Trump said Zervos "made up" a "hoax" to aid Hillary Clinton. Several of the other sixteen sexual harassment accusers have said they are willing to be deposed. Most concerning, Zervos' attorney has subpoenaed recordings from "The Apprentice" that show Trump speaking of women "in any sexual or inappropriate manner." I think I just heard that other shoe hit the deck. If all this causes you to despair, consider the words of porn-star attorney and Trump antagonist, Michael Avenatti, who stated, "Mr. Trump will not serve out his term. No way. No How. He will be forced to ultimately resign." Thanks Obama.

Show Biz Confessions

Several months ago, The Memphis Flyer featured a cover story about local musicians recounting their "Worst Gigs Ever." I wish somebody would have asked me. I have so many horror stories, they have to be categorized by decade. I've been in other bands and played as an acoustic soloist, but most of my performing career has been with the Radiants, a "rock n' soul" group that lasted from my teen years in the sixties until our final show two years ago at Lafayette's. In a 2011 Flyer issue, I wrote about being punched out by the bouncers at Club Clearpool, only to be vindicated by Sputnik Monroe. You could look that one up if you're curious, but first let me tell you about a gig that still gives me the creeps. I was in a band out of Knoxville called Rich Mountain Tower. We had a production deal and were on a mini-tour opening for Frankie Valli and the Four Seasons. Our bass player, we'll call him Todd, was going through some serious psychological problems resulting from an LSD-fried brain. He had that thousand yard stare without ever going to war. When we played Charleston, West Virginia, Todd paused and spoke to the audience. Backstage, I asked what he had said and he told me that he "asked the audience's forgiveness for being a coward all my life." The next night's gig was at the Mid-South Coliseum in Memphis. We set up shop at the old Downtowner Motel, across from the Peabody, where we returned after the concert. I was chatting with friends when I heard shouting and screams for help coming from the next room. I ran next-door to witness Todd, standing on the edge of an open window on the fifteenth floor, with our guitarist sitting opposite on the window sill, bear-hugging Todd's mid-section to prevent him from jumping. We succeeded in pulling Todd back into the room, but he was on a bus at the crack of dawn, leaving for his home-town and psychiatric help.

I had been playing at various joints around Knoxville when an agent booked me and my singing partner, Bob Simon, for a show in Middlesboro, Kentucky at an Elk's Club gathering. Or it could have been the Lions Club, I forget. I was dressed in my hippie finery- bell bottoms, flowered shirt, boots, peace sign, and long hair- while we waited in the kitchen for their program to end. Bob looked  at the crowd of rural, middle-aged men in coats and ties and refused to go out there. I was in the middle of berating him when we were introduced. He agreed to come out, only after I had sung the first song. When I entered with my guitar, the room exploded with laughter. I don't mean snickers or giggles, these were howls and belly laughs at my appearance. I stood in front of the microphone, but the laughter went on and on. As I looked out at the rowdy crowd, waiting for their derision to subside, I felt like Edwin Booth taking the stage just months after his brother had killed Lincoln. I sang one, introduced Bob, and the room erupted again. Bob's face turned beet red. We changed our entire set and sang one country song after the next until they finally gave us some begrudging applause. We cursed our agent all the way back to Knoxville and learned the benefits of knowing your audience in advance.

Many years ago, there was a motorbike dirt track, out near Lakeland on I-40. They occasionally staged races and competitions or whatever the hell dirt-bikers do, and I was booked to play an outdoor concert with a crack, four-piece band cleverly named The Hired Hands. We assumed that we would play in a break in the action or after the race. I never imagined they wanted us to play while the race was taking place. We'd start a song and every thirty seconds the whine of a dirt bike would drown us out. It was not only a ridiculous situation, the bikes were kicking up so much dust that I was literally eating dirt while trying to sing. We were coughing and sneezing on our flatbed truck, parked hard against the track while the motorcycles whizzed by, covering the sky in particles of soot. While wiping my tears when the gig was mercifully over, the track's owner gave me a check. It bounced. The owner assured me the account was solvent and wrote me a second check. It also bounced. When I drove out to the track, it had closed. It was the only time, in a lifetime of performing, that anyone ever stiffed me with a bad check.

The Radiants were playing a gig at an after-hours nightclub in North Little Rock  called The Apartment Club. It was a seedy place filled with drunks with nowhere else to go. A scuffle broke out in the crowd and the band went on break. I've seen a lot of fistfights. I've seen brawls roil from one side of the room to the other while the band continued to play, but this felt different, maybe more menacing considering the clientele. I was standing outside with the bass player when the front doors flew open and a gangly, drunken redneck tumbled onto the ground followed by two huge bouncers. The drunk staggered to his feet, lunged at the bouncers and threw a punch. Suddenly, a handgun appeared and we dove for cover. While one bouncer held the gun in the air, the other pulled out a blackjack and started pounding this guy in the head shouting, "You done fucked up now Bobby Gene." The intoxicated Bobby Gene refused to go down and received a Rodney King-like beating until he finally succumbed to the blows to his head and slumped to the sidewalk. He laid there bleeding for a while but made it back to his feet. He stumbled towards a pickup truck, but for good measure, received one last sweeping kick to his ribs that dropped him to the gravel. The band had to regroup while the crowd was visibly shaken by the episode. Things seemed to be calming down a bit when someone ran in screaming, "Bobby Gene's back with a shotgun." Everyone froze. We were instructed to continue playing while somewhere in the parking-lot, an armed Bobby Gene was fighting with the police. He lost, but all we heard was "Keep playing boys, that's what we pay you for."

I could tell you more- a lot more- because I sometimes wonder if all those awful gigs I endured were worth it just for the anecdotes. Show Biz ain't for sissies, folks. If you're unable to tolerate a constant barrage of bullshit and humiliation, there's probably too many singing guitar players out there anyway.