Somehow, President Hickenlooper just doesn't sound right. But then neither does President Trump. But the former Colorado Governor is one of nearly two dozen candidates running for the Democratic nomination for President in 2020. And despite having the number one economy in the nation, Hickenlooper has no real chance of winning. So why do they do it? Is it to embellish their profiles or just to raise money? And what happens to that money when they invariably drop out? Money talks and bullshit walks these days, so the most cash talks the most trash. Already, records are being broken for fundraising and the campaign hasn't officially started yet. There are so many aspiring Democrats that you can't tell the players without a program, so in no particular order, here are the top contenders for the opportunity to crush and humiliate the cruelest president in American history.
Joe Biden: Leave it to the Democrats to kneecap the front-runner before the race begins. Biden's latest controversy comes from former Nevada state assemblywoman Lucy Flores, who has accused the seventy-six year old pol of smelling her hair and giving her a "big slow kiss" on the top of her head. Ever seen Biden swearing in new members of congress with their families? Joe hugs and kisses everyone. He's just a hands-on guy. Some find it endearing, but now that it seems as if the #metoo movement has crossed some sort of line, Joe has promised to stop giving neck massages and sniffing hair. Biden comes with enough baggage to fill a cargo plane; failed runs for president, plagiarism accusations, the Anita Hill circus, the Iraq war vote. In his favor, Biden said of Trump, "I wish we were in high school. I could take him behind the gym. That's what I wish." If that event were put on pay-per-view television, we could clear up the national debt. And to his credit, when Biden was Obama's Veep, it was a big fucking deal.
Bernie Sanders: I thought I was "feeling the Bern," but it turned out to be just a urinary tract infection. Bernie's no longer a novelty so it will be a lot tougher for him to gain traction this go-round, despite raising $18 million and counting. Ever notice how he throws up a lot of "air quotes" when speaking? I can't watch him anymore without thinking he's doing a poor impression of Larry David doing an impression of Bernie. Now that Bernie's ideas have reached the mainstream, who needs a Brooklyn born, seventy-seven year old Jewish Socialist from Vermont? Sit down Gramps, you're making me nervous and I'm holding a baseball bat.
Beto O'Rourke: Does he charge for those table dances or does he do them for free? The former Texas congressman is this year's golden boy, but just coming close to defeating Ted Cruz, the most loathed Senator in Congress, is not enough for a run at the presidency. He's loved by millennials for being in a punk rock band called Foss, which is the Icelandic word for "waterfall." As a teen, O'Rourke was in a computer hacking group known as the Cult of the Dead Cow, named after an abandoned Lubbock slaughterhouse, where his nom de plume was the "Psychedelic Warlord." Willie Nelson opened for him at a rally outside of Austin where Beto strapped on a guitar and joined the band in a version of, "Roll Me Up and Smoke Me When I Die." He's been compared to Robert Kennedy, but when you're still skateboarding at 46, you're no RFK, sir.
Pete Buttigieg: "Mayor Pete" of South Bend, Indiana has become a phenom because he's intelligent and informed, qualities that used to work in your favor. Buttigieg, pronounced "Boot-edge-edge," is a tough name to put on a bumper sticker, but he could use the slogan, "Go out on a ledge with Buttigieg." Mayor Pete speaks seven languages other than English and although he is the first openly gay candidate, he would not be the first gay president. That honor goes to James Buchanan, the "lifelong bachelor" who was often considered the worst president in history until the orange putz emerged. At least he won't be grabbing anyone by the pussy.
Elizabeth Warren: The Massachusetts Senator already has her nickname from the evil one, "Pocahontas," for bungling her old family yarns about her alleged Cherokee Indian heritage. But since orangeface speak with forked tongue, she can get over it. Warren is the favorite for taking it to Trump, but the galloping palomino of history might have passed her by in 2016. Still a formidable foe who has suggested breaking up "Big Tech," which is fine by me. We could use a trust-buster like Teddy Roosevelt, someone who Trump thinks is a Democrat.
Kirsten Gillibrand: Appointed by the New York governor to fill Hillary's senate seat, Gillibrand has morphed from a "Blue Dog" Democrat with a 100% rating from the National Rifle Association into a "Yellow Dog" Democrat who's tilted mightily to the left. Known as the main cheerleader for drumming Al Franken out of Congress before it became known that it was a Republican hit job, Gillibrand voted to repeal D.C. laws banning semi-automatic weapons. That translates into no shot for the presidency.
Cory Booker: Rhodes Scholar, former jock at Stanford, vegetarian, and former mayor of Newark, New Jersey, Booker would be our first bald president since Eisenhower, if you don't count whatever that mess is on Trump's head. Passionate even when not needed, Booker lived in a low-income housing project called Brick Towers as mayor, so at least he wouldn't think the White House was a dump. Booker also saved his next-door neighbor from a burning building, making him the first potential Marvel Superhero candidate.
Kamala Harris: A former California prosecutor who made Brett Kavanaugh squirm, Harris would be the perfect candidate to try Trump for his high crimes and misdemeanors. While 27th District Attorney for San Francisco, Harris famously dated the then married mayor Willie Brown. Savvy and politically astute, Harris supports Medicare for all and legalization of marijuana. What's not to like?
Julian Castro: Former San Antonio mayor and first Latino candidate, but President Castro? I don't think so. Too soon. At least he would have a built-in body double.
Not enough space to get to Amy Klobuchar (mean to her staff), Tulsi Gabbard (first Hindu member of Congress who could call upon the elephant god Ganesh, remover of obstacles), Eric Swalwell (appeared with a frosted buzz-cut in his high school yearbook and annoying presence on cable TV), or Andrew Yang (do we need another businessman?), there are just too many also-rans when the only objective is to boot Mr. Nasty out of office. The word "orange" has no rhyme, but that's the color he'll be wearing when he's doing time. My pick for the Democratic ticket: Warren/Harris. Make America Maternal Again, (MAMA).
So what am I supposed to do with my Michael Jackson albums now? In twenty years they'll be collectors items but presently, I'm unable to listen to them in the same way as before the HBO documentary, "Leaving Neverland," aired. How can you compartmentalize the artists work from the artist? For Jackson fans, the documentary was devastating evidence that Jackson preyed on boys as young as seven and seduced their families as well. Two victims of Jackson's alleged abuse, now grown men, have come forward to testify, in graphic detail, about the abuse they suffered at the hands of the "King of Pop." Jackson himself admitted in a previous documentary that he shared his bed with young boys in a non-sexual, innocent manner. In the film, Michael claimed that it was all milk and cookies and video games and that he felt most comfortable in the company of children for their innocence, and to reclaim the childhood that he never had. We always knew that he was weird, but his explanation seemed plausible to Jackson's fans who wanted to believe it, including me.
I'll admit to being an unabashed fan of MJ from the time he first appeared as the child prodigy lead singer of the Jackson 5 until his death. The first CD I ever bought was "Off The Wall." I delighted in his first solo effort as a mature artist and even attended the Jackson 5's "Triumph" tour at the Mid-South Coliseum in 1981. When Jackson died in 2009, I wrote for this publication, "I truly believe that Jackson was an emotional man-child attempting to surround himself with the only group of people he felt he could completely trust: children. Even his trust in children was betrayed when the boy he tried to help with medical expenses and emotional support filed criminal molestation charges against him. After the young man and his mother were proven to be grifters and Jackson was acquitted of all charges, Michael was forever burdened with suspicions of pedophilia." Boy, was I ever wrong. Maybe the twenty-four million dollar settlement to the family should have been a clue. But I chose to believe his earnest denials of impropriety because I thought Michael was a unique person in this world whose sole purpose was to bring joy to his fans. He sure fooled me. As a result of the heartbreaking HBO documentary, I'll never listen to "Don't Stop 'Till You Get Enough," or "Smooth Criminal," without thinking of his aberrant sleepovers.
"Leaving Neverland" came on the heels of the six-part Lifetime series, "Surviving R. Kelly," in which underage girls as young as fourteen told harrowing stories of being abused and held captive by the fifty-two year old superstar. In 2008, Kelly was acquitted of fourteen counts of child pornography in a Chicago courtroom, but rumors continued to swirl about his penchant for mistreating young girls and creating a "sex cult." His marriage to his fifteen year-old protege, Aaliyah, in 1994 sealed the deal on his alleged pedophilia. The Kelly produced, Aaliyah debut album "Age Ain't Nothing But A Number," should have been an in-your-face confession. Kelly forbid questions about Aaliyah in his recent bizarre interview with Gayle King in which he dissolved into a frightful hysterical denial of everything negative ever said about him. Does this mean I can't enjoy "I Believe I Can Fly" anymore? If that's the case, there are scores of other popular songs in question.
When Jerry Lee Lewis married his thirteen year-old cousin it nearly ruined his career, but here at home, it was just thought of as a "Southern thing." Chuck Berry was sent to prison for violating the Mann Act for transporting an underage girl across state lines for "immoral purposes." But then Charlie Chaplin and Frank Lloyd Wright, among others, were convicted of the same offense. Even Elvis was known for his unusual proclivity of watching teenage girls wrestle in their underwear. His future wife, Priscilla, was fourteen when Elvis met her, yet he somehow persuaded her parents to allow their daughter to move into Graceland at the age of seventeen. Little Richard led a life of such debauchery it caused him to quit rock and roll and become a minister. Bing Crosby beat his children, but his Christmas album is still a best seller.
The list goes on. Rick James was accused of torturing two women. David Bowie was famous for his dalliances with underage groupies. Rod Stewart has eight children with five different women. Rolling Stones' bassist Bill Wyman had sex with a fourteen year old girl whom he later married when she was eighteen and he was fifty-two. Producer Phil Spector is currently in prison for murdering a female acquaintance, yet the Righteous Brothers are still in radio rotation. John Phillips of the Mamas and Papas had frequent sex with his own daughter, but you can't turn on an oldies station without hearing "Monday Monday," or "California Dreaming." Seventies "glam rocker," Gary Glitter, was arrested for sexual congress with a thirteen year-old and was considered so degenerate he was kicked out of Vietnam, yet in nearly every sports arena you can still hear his song "Rock and Roll Part 2," with the signature "Hey" crowd response. If the toxic music "industry," known for "sex, drugs, and rock and roll, was purged of songs by sexual deviants, there'd be nothing left to listen to but Donnie and Marie Osmond, and I'm not so sure about them. Michael Jackson's songs are currently being eliminated from playlists all over the country, but as distasteful as it may now sound, people will still be grooving to "Bad" in the not-too-distant future.
Let's forget about the Giant Orange Menace for a moment, if that's at all possible, and check out how "The Best People" are doing. You remember, Donnie promised to staff his cabinet with only the best. Space doesn't permit an examination of all the abominations that have traversed this fetid swamp of greed and incompetence, so we'll have to narrow our commentary to a select few. That means there will be no remarks about "The Mooch," Kellyanne, or the official administration liar, Sarah, "The Grouch" Huckabee. If every scoundrel were examined, I'd miss my deadline by a week. So let's just stick with the Cabinet, starting with:
Agriculture: Former Veterinarian, George "Sonny" Perdue was a Democrat until 1998 before switching parties and becoming the first Republican Governor of Georgia since Reconstruction. Before his tenure ended, Perdue wracked up thirteen complaints filed with the State Ethics Commission, including accepting twenty-five thousand dollars worth of gifts, like tickets to NASCAR. In 2004, Perdue sued the Environmental Protection Agency saying, "Liberals have lost all credibility when it comes to climate science because their arguments have become.. so obviously disconnected from reality." In November 2007, while Georgia was suffering through the worst drought in decades, Perdue led a large crowd in prayer on the steps of the state Capitol saying, "We've come here for one reason and one reason only, to very reverently and respectfully pray up a storm." It didn't work. After severely cutting funds for Food and Safety Regulations, Georgia suffered one of the century's deadliest outbreaks of food-borne illness. Perdue is now in charge of the nation's food safety.
Commerce: After being tapped as Commerce Secretary, Wilbur Ross maintained partial ownership in Chinese state-owned businesses, a shipping company tied to Russian oligarchs, a bank in Cypress, and an auto parts industry. Ross was accused of swindling his business associates out of one-hundred twenty million dollars. Before divesting his holdings to a family trust, Ross shorted stock in the Russian-linked shipping company, Navigator Holdings, making a small fortune before the price of shares plummeted. He was fined 2.3 million dollars by the Security and Exchange Commission.
Education: Perhaps the most despised member of the Trump Cabinet, Betsy DeVoss used her billion dollar fortune from the AmWay pyramid scheme company to advocate for directing taxpayer funds to private, religious, and charter schools. A major GOP fundraiser, DeVoss called for the deregulation and privatization of the American education system. With zero experience as an educator or administrator, DeVoss home-schooled her own children. She rolled back Obama-era policies on campus sexual assault and fought to end a school loan borrower protection program that made it easier for defrauded students to get their loans forgiven. After a failed attempt to kill an inquiry into for-profit colleges, DeVoss named a dean from DeVry University to lead a group of investigators. In a comical Congressional hearing, DeVoss called for arming school personnel because Wyoming schools might need guns to defend against grizzly bears. DeVoss is the only cabinet official to receive twenty-four hour protection from the U.S. Marshals Service after being heckled in front of a public school. The sister of Erik Prince, soon to be convicted felon and founder of the infamous Blackwater mercenary security group, DeVoss registered her personal yacht as a foreign vessel to avoid state taxes.
Energy: Former Texas Governor Rick Perry once called for the abolishment of the agency he now runs. Mixing a deadly blend of ignorance and incompetence, Perry did not know his department was responsible for overseeing the country's nuclear arsenal. In an ironic twist, Perry served as one of Trump's main emissaries to Saudi Arabia in an attempt to get the Kingdom to partner with the U.S. on nuclear power.
Health and Human Services: After Trump's initial appointee, Tom Price, was bounced from his position for insider trading, like purchasing shares in companies manufacturing replacement knees and hips and then introducing bills to affect the cost of such surgeries, and his extravagant use of private and military jets to visit his own properties, Trump tapped Alex Azar as his replacement. As U.S. Division President of pharmaceutical giant Eli Lilly, Azar increased the cost of a crucial diabetes drug by three-hundred percent, doubled the price of insulin, and was fined for colluding to keep prices high in Mexico. Oh yeah, he also worked on the first two years of the calamitous Clinton Whitewater Investigation under Kenneth Starr.
Homeland Security: Secretary Kirstjen Nielsen is the face of migrant family separation. After tweeting, "We do not have a policy of separating families at the border. Period," Nielsen said, "We will not apologize for the job we do," like putting kids in cages. According to The New York Times, nearly twelve-thousand immigrant children spent last Thanksgiving in federal custody.
HUD: Hapless presidential candidate Ben Carson was most likely put in charge of Housing and Urban Development because it had the word "urban" in the title. Knowing nothing about housing policy or HUD's work, Carson is mainly known for the redecoration of his office, including the purchase of a thirty-one thousand dollar dining room set which he blamed on his wife. Citing a "secular progressive movement in this country," Carson halted an investigation into housing discrimination practices. Dr. Ben stated that, "poverty, to a large extent, is also a state of mind," and that slaves should be seen as "involuntary immigrants." Carson tried to impose work requirements on recipients of housing assistance. After Trump's egregious comments about the neo-klan rally in Charlottesville, Carson claimed the mayhem and murder were, "little squabbles being blown out of proportion." Since all the corruption can't be covered in one page, let's just skip to:
Treasury: As Chief Information Officer for Goldman Sachs, Steve Mnuchin advocated for the reduction of corporate tax rates, making him a perfect fit for Trump's Cabinet of thieves. Despite the murder and dismemberment of Washington Post journalist Jamal Khashoggi, Mnuchin traveled to Saudi Arabia to meet with Prince Mohammed bin Salman (MBS) just two weeks after Secretary of State and far-right Christian zealot Mike Pompeo held a similar meeting. Mnuchin said they discussed "combating the financing of terrorism." Best known for requesting a government jet for his European honeymoon with sometime actress and nude model, Louise Linton, the Mnuchins were photographed exiting a government jet in Kentucky, which Mrs. Mnuchin then posted on Instagram, tagging a series of luxury clothing designers. The trip was ostensibly to meet with amphibian Majority Leader Mitch McConnell, but just happened to coincide with a primo viewing of the solar eclipse. The couple then traveled to Fort Knox and were photographed holding sheets of uncut bills featuring the new Treasury Secretary's signature. In his official capacity, Mnuchin liften sanctions on companies linked to Vladimir Putin.
And here we haven't even had the chance to discuss the arrogant and inept Acting Attorney General Mathew Whitaker, Hope Hicks, John Bolton, Scott Pruitt or Crypt Keeper wannabe Rudy Giuliani. We've yet to touch on the soon to be incarcerated Michael Cohen, Mike Flynn, Paul Manafort, Don, Jr., Jared, Ivanka, or Nixon fanboy Roger Stone. When the multiple investigations are finally completed, I'm confidant that they'll be "the best people" that prison can hold.
A year has passed without me complaining about the phrases and words I hear on a regular basis that cause me to go "off the rails." I know it may seem like a "nothing burger" to you, but I am mystified by how "that moment when" one person said something clever, and it metastasized into slipshod nationwide verbal swill. There are plenty of "bad actors," so let's "play the blame game." There are some repeat offenders that "rolled over" from last year but, "believe me," there are plenty of fresh ones that would "literally" gag a buzzard off a shit wagon. "Does that make sense?"
The award for the major annoyance for the second consecutive year is the word,
So. So, when did this affectation take hold? Ask someone a question, and if they're pundits, reporters, or teens in the mall, they all seem to have the need to preface every sentence with "So." For example, "How'd you get that scar on your face?" "So, I was at home trying to train the cat to leap through a ring of fire and she went for my eyes." If you haven't noticed yet, now you will.
Another aggravation making the list again is the verbal habit of,
Dropping the "T" in the middle of a word. This may not sound impor'ant to you, but it's cur'ains for the lingua franca. I mean, are we speaking La'in now? I first thought this was just a cultural thing, especially among the British, and it is. This irritant is called a Glottal Stop and it's been studied in England since the 1800s. I'm not sure how it reached our shores, but it spread through every strata of society like a norovirus on a cruise ship. Maybe it was Vladimir Pu'in.
The Adult in the Room. All the grownups have left the building so Donnie can has cheezburger. "All alone" is the pathetic whimper of an insecure man. But don't worry. Soon there will be all the "executive time" one inmate can stand.
Moving the Goalposts. I saw this once when Tennessee beat Alabama "back in the day," but they tore that one down. The only other time I've actually seen the goalpost move is when a field goal kicker doinks one off the crossbar like the Chicago Bears did last week. That was "literally" a "game-changer."
Woke. This is what happens when oblivious lawn servicemen crank up those goddamn leaf blowers at 7:00 on a Saturday morning. Sweet Jesus, didn't this city used to have some sort of noise ordinance? It feels like I'm trying to sleep on the deck of an aircraft carrier. By this time, everybody's woke.
Yeah, No. This expression is the common-law spouse of "Sorry, Not Sorry." Which is it? Have some gumption and pick a side. "Just sayin.'"
LOL. This was cute back in the chat rooms of America Online, but now that there are a variety of smiley-face emojis, this acronym has become archaic. However, people are saying this in public now. Don't say "LOL," just go ahead and laugh. This includes ROFL, LMAO, LMFAO, and SMH LMAO. Of course, all this is IMHO.
Drill Down. Cable TV hosts use this expression when they're fixing to get to the bottom of something. We'll be hearing a lot more of this phrase in the coming year, but out of professional courtesy, it should be reserved for dentists.
References to Game of Thrones. Would you believe that there are people who aren't into Fantasy/Science Fiction and thus, don't know what the hell you're talking about? I've never seen a single episode of Game of Thrones and I don't like dragons. I am also uninterested in Star Wars, Star Trek, Harry Potter, Lord of the Rings, and all the Marvel Superheroes Movies. Does this make me a bad person? I can quote large swaths of dialogue from The Godfather, but I don't just throw it out there casually. And I've frisked a thousand young punks.
MAGA. Fuck you and your Chinese hat.
No Collusion. "No puppet, no puppet... You're the puppet."
Guardrails. See "The Adult in the Room" above.
Thoughts and Prayers. I know you mean well, but instead of praying you might consider actually doing something. And they're always "going out" there somewhere. Shouldn't they be going in? Just for variety's sake, after the next mass murder, change it to prayers and thoughts. This illuminates your priorities.
And finally, Fake News. It's curious how the supposed "fake news" keeps turning out to be true. It's strange that "Individual-1" will only grant interviews to Fox News personalities. Judge Jeanine Pirro will never cross-examine him. He likes "Fox and Friends" because there's always a young blonde co-host sitting on the couch in a short dress with her legs crossed. All the time. "This Rusher thing, with Trump and Russia," gets truer every day. All this bombast and middle-school taunting was merely a diversion to distract from the very real news that the President of the United States was under investigation for being a Russian asset. We are living through a nightmare "the likes of which the world has never seen." But "chillax." Special Council Mueller is about to "take it to the next level," literally.
